They Should Be Flogged

You WILL NOT believe it.

There is a blog out there that makes fun of my religion. And they make fun of ME! It is hard to believe, I know.

First, I prayed that they would stop. Unfortunately, that didn't work. God must want me to stop them myself. That's why I now send them insulting messages, sometimes up to a hundred every day, pointing out how stupid they are. Anyone who criticises me has to be an idiot. Everything they say is a lie. (This is called an a priori argument.)

I spend hours every day reading and commenting on this evil blog, refreshing the page over and over, praying that someone else will show up and agree with my holy messages. It will happen eventually, I'm sure of it. And when it does, I'll be there to see it happen. I burn with holiness every time I see that those heathens have put up a new post. I have even given up my shift picketing the public library so I can keep an eye on the Internet.

But since that still hasn't produced the results I would like, I have decided to step up my game. These evil people are interfering with my freedom of speech, so they must be shut down. Yes. It is clearly the only option I have left. Nobody should be allowed to criticise me. It is blatantly unfair that they are allowed to exist, let alone to spew their propaganda! Who ever heard of such a thing?

I'm glad to see that you agree.

The end times

Greetings, ye who have not yet purged the evil from among you:

As I'm sure you can understand, I have been much too busy to blog. I have been focused on the election. Naturally, we saints understand that the best way to steal the election is to pray for success. We are willing to stay at home on our knees all of Election Day, just to make sure that our preferred candidate wins. Never say that we aren't willing to do the work that really counts. Voting is just a sign that G-d can't do it without our help.

However, it has come to our attention that we are fighting a true prince of darkness. Apparently our opponent has put a witchcraft curse on us. Yes. The warlocks in Kenya get up every morning at 3:00 to put curses on the only G-dly candidate, trying to make us look ridiculous.

This is truly disturbing. Even though those religions are made up, their curses still work. That's just common sense. Goodness knows how many of those curses might be heading our way.

Some might say that the armies of Satan could never prevail, but I am concerned. Those of us in the pro-America regions need to watch out. It is possible that evil spirits could take over if we don't pray hard enough. Omnipotent deities need a certain level of support before they are willing to act. On the other hand, those made-up religions can work no matter how many people are casting the spells.

Don't ask me HOW this works; I just know that it DOES.

Tell me more, tell me more

It occurs to me that it has been a while since I took any testimonies. This has led to a very uncomfortable situation. For me. Not so much for you. But really, this religion is all about ME and the way I feel.

I think it's best when I know what's going on in your life. That way, I can add my prayers to yours. And it's important that my prayers be as specific as possible. You see, you're not as devout as I am, so when you pray about your problems, it's not as good as when I help out. How am I supposed to do that if I don't know your secrets?

So, tell me: What can I pray for you about?

The sharp, double-edged sword

Greetings, ye who eat food sacrificed to idols:

I admit it.

I was momentarily confused by the fast-talking evilutionists. It seemed like they might have evidence for what I now see is a plainly ridiculous theory.

But then I spent some more time on the Internet, where someone told me that evolution is a religion.

I TOTALLY GET IT NOW. Evolution really IS a religion! Therefore, I can mock it and be sure that it's not real.

Yes, I hear your complaints. You never stop, do you?

I mean that OTHER religions aren't real. Mine is 100% true. That's why it's OK for me to insult other people by saying that they are religious. They're not religious in the exact way that I am, so they're wrong.

Try to keep up, would you?

I'm back!

Friends, it has been a long time, but these have been busy days.

I have been conducting scientific research to figure out if my religion is the real one. If it is, I can still be assured of eternal happiness, while you perverts and sodomites will be assured of eternal damnation.

I have conducted the following experiments:

• I stepped on all of the cracks in the sidewalk. So far, my mother's back remains unbroken.
• I looked really, really carefully at a photo of a rock that looked like it was a fossil of a human footprint underneath a dinosaur footprint. It looked real to me!
• I prayed that if my religion was real, I would get some sort of sign. The next morning when I woke up, one of the flowers in my garden had bloomed.

This is the sort of evidence that cannot be made up. Obviously, my religion is the correct one.

You atheists don't know what you have coming to you. Fortunately, I do.

It's very hard to be me

Friends, I apologise for my long absence, but this is a crisis. What if the other guy's religion is actually the correct one? What does that mean for ME?

I am doing my best to ignore these thoughts. I need people like Brother Edward to help me through this. Any support you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Massah and Meribah

Friends, I have been tested.

The man with the book came back to my house. He said that he thought I hadn't understood his religion.

I explained quite politely that I understood his religion just fine, but I still thought it was a pack of lies. Then I warned him, again quite politely, that he was going to burn in hell for eternity unless he immediately converted to MY religion.

And I think I let my guard down, because he said that MY religion was the fake one. Now I'm not sure what to think.

Normally I would have spat on his garments and ordered him out of my house, but he actually made me wonder if he was right.

This is going to cause problems, I can tell already.

Packin' up, shackin' up's all you wanna do

Pervert-submitted complaint: I read your holy book. While it was very interesting, it was also very disturbing. I have to say that you are taking a lot of it out of context. You focus on specific parts of it that support your argument, and completely ignore the rest.

Uh, is that not exactly what you and the rest of the atheists do?

You will not BELIEVE what just happened

Someone just came to my door and tried to convert me to his religion!

I slammed the door in his face, of course. And I'm incredibly offended. My religion's the only one that's true. He should not be allowed to preach his lies to vulnerable people.

And here's the thing: He has NO PROOF AT ALL! Like I am going to convert to his religion just because he says it's true! I actually laughed at one point while he was talking. He had a book with him, and it was full of stories from many years ago. All of the stories were about his religion being true -- SURPRISE! (I mean, really: If you were planning to put a book of stories together to promote your made-up religion, wouldn't you pick ones that supported your ideas?)

I pointed out that maybe his book had just been made up. He said that couldn't be the case, because other parts of the book said that the whole thing was true. I asked him if he could see how ridiculous that was, and he said he'd pray for me, because I was definitely going to be in trouble with his god.

That's when I told him that I wasn't too worried about his imaginary god, because I have a REAL God who is planning to smite him. He said that MY God was the imaginary one! (The nerve!)

I don't care what you say

In the end I will be enjoying eternal life in the new heavens and new earth. Meanwhile, you will be weeping and gnashing your teeth in the lake of fire, wishing that you had listened to me. I will laugh as you agonise in eternal pain.

So you might as well stop trying to convince me that my religion is not the correct one. It's not as if I actually listen to any of your perverted comments, anyway.

Yet Another Atheist Plot

Some random pervert has entered my name in the Best NWT Blogs contest. It is so typical of atheists. Really, do we NEED a contest? I don't think so. Other blogs might be more interesting, but this one is much, much holier.

In fact, I am thinking about picketing the contest. If I could figure out how to set up a picket line in cyberspace, I would already be there. I don't need to be in the same list as perverts and sodomites. OH YES, THERE ARE PERVERTS AND SODOMITES.

The land will vomit them out

How TYPICAL of the atheists to come up with something like this. They disgust me. Not that this is anything NEW, of course.

Listen up, atheists. There is NO EVIDENCE for a flying spaghetti monster. You can tell that I'm telling the truth, because I used the caps lock.

On the other hand, my religion is 100% real, and I am prepared to prove it, right here and right now. Get ready to be bowled over from the shock of finally seeing the light.

1. I exist, and you exist. Therefore, something must have made us. That's God. (Uriel 1, Atheists 0.)

2. If God did not exist, I would be a murderer. I know this. The only thing stopping me from committing atrocities is the knowledge that there is a God. (You can't make up evidence like this. Uriel 2, Atheists 0.)

3. My holy book is true. I can prove this through many, many lines in my holy book that all state that my holy book is true. On the other hand, you've got no holy book at all. What, you DON'T have thousands of years' worth of tradition on your side? (Uriel 3, Atheists 0.)

4. You just hate God. I knew that was your real problem. Don't worry. God hates you, too! (Uriel 4, Atheists 0.)

5. Wait a minute. I don't need to finish the list. You're going to see that I'm right soon enough. Your perverted lifestyle only leads to one thing, after all.

The No-Sin Zone

It has come to my attention that perverts and sodomites read this blog. This is partly good, because there's nothing better than imagining the eventual downfall of a pervert or a sodomite, but partly bad. What if they swayed the faithful? It's one thing to watch someone else get tortured with fire for all eternity, but it's quite another to be personally tortured with fire for all eternity. I mean, eternity's a long time. A REALLY long time. I definitely wouldn't want that for myself.

So I am declaring this blog a NO-SIN ZONE. Only members of my church will be allowed to stay. That means you're not invited. You can go play in the road.

Are all of the perverts gone yet?

On to the good stuff!

Why must they ask these questions?

I am filled with righteous indignation, even more than usual. You see, my co-religionist Ray Comfort is getting a lot of angry comments from people who are just going to hell anyway. I'm not sure why we bother with them, but, at least in this life, they do seem rather loud.

You'll remember Ray, the keen scientific mind who developed an ironclad proof for the existence of God:


Well, Ray has apparently stirred up a lot of controversy by saying that God tortures Holocaust victims. This is not just something he's tossed off without thinking: he challenges readers to think about whether free salvation should be limited to people who died in German concentration camps, or could be available to people who died under communism or in car crashes. For some reason, this has upset the atheists. It's nothing compared to how upset they'll be after they die and discover that they were wrong, but WHAT. EVER.

I'd like to point out that this entire freak show is entirely the atheists' fault. They asked Ray if Jews would go to hell. He tried to duck the question, and then decided to answer. It's not as if those pesky atheists didn't already KNOW what Ray would say. It's as if they're surprised or something. No, this is all their fault.

Listen, atheists: Nobody is forcing you to listen to Ray Comfort. If he's preaching on the street, just take a different road. Don't ask him questions and then get all upset at the answers.

Amen, brother Edward!

Now Their Failure Is Complete

I have succeeded in getting this blog listed on NWTBlogs.com. This opens up new evangelizing opportunities for me. I wasn't sure at first if I would be listed, but I did my best to be polite. I started by praying that G-d would add me to the site directly, so I wouldn't have to sully my sent-mail folder with any messages to heathens. Then I beat my breast and spat on a few atheists. When that didn't work, I contacted the site administrators. I figure this can count as my visit with prostitutes:

Greetings, perverts and sodomites,

It has come to my attention that you have a directory of blogs from the NWT. I write from my post guarding the Garden of Eden, but my ISP is in Yellowknife, so I suppose that's close enough. The Garden of Eden is not really a physical place, anyway.

I think that if you add me to this directory, it will be a great evangelizing tool. For me. Not so much for you. I'm definitely praying for you, though. Not that it's likely to do any good, mind you, but I always feel good about myself when I pray for heathens. It just gives me an added boost to know how much better I am than the rest of you.

Uriel

Lo and behold, my direct appeal worked! Now I have access to all of the site's readers! I'm sure they will be impressed by my holiness.

Remember, G-d CHOOSES who will be saved. It's not too late for you, though. I'm reaching out to atheists through this holy blog. Just part of my daily self-flagellation. That's how difficult this is for me. Imagining your ultimate pain and suffering is really hard, but it makes me feel better to know that you'll actually have to live through it.

Finally, a movie for people from my church!

I am TOTALLY going to see this movie. In fact, I think I'll hold a screening at my church. It's about time there was a major motion picture for people in my religion. We are always shut out of the movies. Nobody cares about us, so most movies are made for atheists. That's why I spend so much time picketing Lucasfilm.

I've known it all along, but I really just needed a celebrity like Ben Stein to spell it out for me. This evilution debate is really about freedom of speech. I should be allowed to preach my religion to children in public schools and call it science. Otherwise, the scientists will be restricting my freedom of speech. I am pretty sure I'll be able to take this one to the Supreme Court.

What a bunch of morons those scientists are! They actually think that people came from mud animated by lightning! Idiots. We all know that people DID come from mud, but there was no lightning involved, only God's will. Their explanation makes no sense at all. Have you ever seen lightning create life? I didn't think so. Now, look around you and see all of the beautiful plants and animals God has created. Checkmate, atheists!

I'm with Ben. If you're an atheist, that's totally fine with me. Go ahead and jump right into the lake of fire. If I tried to stop you, that would make me a Nazi. I've always liked to compare my critics to Nazis, but now that a celebrity is doing it, I know it's really the thing to do. You see, I am an enlightened person. Not like those scientists. In fact, some scientists worked for the Nazis, whereas nobody from my church ever had anything to do with the Third Reich. And if they did, they weren't really part of my church. They were probably atheists who just claimed to be members of my church to make me look bad.

Ben is such a revolutionary. His movie might even make you lose your job! That's how hard-core he is. He's fighting against The Man. Darwinists are unethical, and it's because evilution is the foundation of an immoral worldview. They'll do whatever it takes to push their atheism on small children. I MUST be allowed to teach those children my religion as science, and everything that I think challenges my religion should be banned from public schools. Evilution is a wedge issue. I've also heard that some so-called "scientists" are now claiming that the sun is a star. I KNOW that's not in my holy book, so it's obviously a pack of lies.

You see where this is leading. Friends, we must band together to fight this battle. Of course, I'm taking donations.

I am angry and my face is downcast

I am furious. So furious that all of the hair is standing up on my arms.

Apparently the heathens in my town are teaching evolution to students in PUBLIC SCHOOLS. Yes. I could just leap on them and rip their faces off with my bare hands. Some sort of godly force appears to be raging through me. That's definitely what it is.

This is a life-and-death struggle for our children's souls. What's next? Are they going to start teaching that the earth goes around the sun? (If there's one scientific thing I can SEE WITH MY OWN EYES, it's that the earth is the centre of the universe.)

Friends, I know that you are as horrified as I am by this latest news. This used to be something that happened in big cities, but now the shame of so-called "science" is even tainting my own community. It should be about education, not indoctrination. And true education is all about converting people to my religion. Children should be taught to question things that have so-called "scientific evidence" for them and consider alternate ideas, like the ones in my holy book.

Clearly, my picket signs have done nothing to slow the steady creep of materialism. I am actively soliciting ideas from you, my loyal readers. Remember that I will delete your comment if you don't quote from the King James Version, though. We can't have any newfangled ideas around here. We've got enough problems already.

Good riddance to another atheist

I was sad to see that the 90 Day Jane blog has been taken down. As an atheist, Jane had finally figured out that life was not worth living, so she was planning to kill herself in 90 days. I definitely applaud the sentiment. Life WOULDN'T be worth living unless you were a member of my church. Nothing can match the satisfaction I get from imagining your eventual destruction, and if you want to hurry that process along, it's A-O-K with me.

I started to get concerned a few days ago, though. Jane was taking pictures of her town, although why she'd bother is frankly beyond me. Listen up, Jane: If life's not worth living, your atheist photos aren't important either. She said it was a picture of the Hollywood sign, but you could barely see the sign because there was a big glowing cross in the middle of the picture. Yes. I think you know where I'm going with this.

Atheists, I totally believe you when you say that because you're not part of my religion, your lives are meaningless. It's too bad you can't take the extra step and become anointed saints like me. All you have to do is leave the world of fairy tales behind and start believing everything I say.

Goodbye, Jane. It's too bad that you felt you had to take your blog down. I was really looking forward to learning more about your empty life. It would have been a window into the mind of a person who really took atheism seriously. Finally, a logical atheist!

Things are going to change now.

I've been paying off politicians with the money I diverted from the homeless shelter, and you so-called "marriage-rights advocates" are about to get a huge shock. I figured out who's responsible for passing laws in this country, and I ALSO figured out how to get in their pockets! No, perverts, that doesn't mean what you think it means. It means that I'm not afraid to buy off the people in powerful positions. We special-interest groups are the ones with real power, not heathen activists like Maureen Dowd.

I'm not going to come right out and SAY what's going to happen to you, because I sound like a part of the inner circle when I'm really vague. Suffice to say that you should have fun with your "rights" for now, because you won't have them for long. This is MY country and it's going to be run the way I want it to be. I'm not satisfied with having control over the afterlife any more. This is a democracy, and that means I'm in charge. You perverts can't take that away from me.

What would we do without them?

Thank goodness we have the saints at GodHatesFags. As I've said before, they are out there ACTUALLY DOING the things the rest of you perverts just talk about.

Actors are basically Satan. That's why Heath Ledger died. I know this -- for sure! And there's very little that anyone can know for sure. God's the only absolute, after all.

Actually, this sort of thing might be as logically consistent as atheists can get. I've always said that if you don't believe in God, you might as well kill yourself.

And a special message to you atheists out there who HAVEN'T killed yourselves (yet): Please stop sending me e-mails claiming that my religion is wrong. I've already refuted all of your arguments on this blog. For example, the sky is blue. It's GORGEOUS. Therefore, God exists. Checkmate!

Here's another one: The Bible exists. Therefore, someone must have written it. Do you know who wrote it? No, you don't! Therefore, God must have personally written it! Checkmate AGAIN, suckers!

It's almost too easy. You know why? It's because with God all things are possible. Therefore, without God, nothing is possible.

Don't try this at home.

Checkmate, atheists!

Yet more proof that I am right and you perverts are wrong. It feels SO GOOD to know that I share all of my opinions with the creator of the universe. Who could possibly be against me?