Saturday, April 28, 2007

Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude

Greetings, those who will suffer the punishment of eternal fire:

I am continually disgusted by your perversions and immorality. They are constant fodder for my prayers, which I offer in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men (the more the merrier, I always say).

If I could shut myself off from your hedonistic ways, I certainly would. As that's not possible, I have contented myself with establishing holy counterparts to your wicked, wicked lifestyle. I spit on you.

My new favourite website is an alternative to YouTube. No, I will not provide a link. This is a holy blog. As we all know, YouTube contains many offensive videos. The government should have taken action against this site long ago -- it promotes immorality and devil worship. They will be punished for their sins seven times over, and I will get to watch. Frankly, I can't wait.

The alternative to YouTube is GodTube. It includes videos that prove the existence of God, like this one, which is labelled on the site as "The Atheist's Nightmare":

Strictly for research purposes, I spent some time with prostitutes and tax collectors to conduct some field testing on this video. I'm pleased to report that it truly is the atheist's nightmare. The arguments presented in this video are so compelling that four out of five atheists immediately renounced their evil lifestyles and gave their hearts to the Lord. I made sure to write their names down, so I can get credit for their conversions at the end of days. (I wouldn't want anyone else to steal my Commission -- that's a little joke that sinners like you probably won't get.) The fifth was destined for eternal fire anyway, so I'm not too worried.

This site is proof that believers are cool. My favourite videos are the Mac/PC parody ads. You might not know this, but true believers don't call themselves "Christians" anymore. We're known as "Christ-followers". Christians are losers. Just check this out:

Or this:

I encourage you to go to this site and learn more about Christ-followers. It's definitely what Jesus would do. In the meantime, I'll be on the street corners with the prostitutes, telling them who is going to heaven and who is not.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

The only serious post on this blog

Reader-Submitted Question: Uh, you know Uriel? Are you making fun of me? Do you really think this is what I believe?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. How delicious.

Here's the thing with Uriel: She's not real. Her distinguishing feature is that she believes that she alone knows what God wants. See how different this is from what you believe? Oh, you don't see a difference? Well, that changes things.


I adore the Uriel character, but it takes time to work up that level of anger, so I don't do much of her. Don't worry: she's not Catholic or Anglican. I don't see her as belonging to any organized religion other than perhaps a fundamentalist group that meets only on the Internet.

The scariest part is that I haven't made up anything she says. Every statement she makes is similar to things I've read or heard others say. Same with her attitude -- she's not even among the worst I've seen. Uriel hates everyone in the world who disagrees with her interpretation of her holy book, and she takes great pleasure in imagining their eventual demise. Her only regret is that she won't be around to witness it, because she (naturally) will be among the saved.

I have to be pretty mad about someone's hypocrisy to do a Uriel post, so there aren't many of them.

Although I think of the character as female, I stole her name from a male archangel. Uriel's not named in the Bible, but is thought to be the angel with the flaming sword outside the Garden of Eden. He also holds the keys to hell. I'm sure you can see why the name is appropriate.

Now you ask if I think this is what you personally believe. Since this blog's readership is limited, I'm going to venture a guess that it's not. But don't kid yourself into thinking that others don't think this way. And yes, I am making fun of them. And yes, they do deserve it.