Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Now Their Failure Is Complete

I have succeeded in getting this blog listed on This opens up new evangelizing opportunities for me. I wasn't sure at first if I would be listed, but I did my best to be polite. I started by praying that G-d would add me to the site directly, so I wouldn't have to sully my sent-mail folder with any messages to heathens. Then I beat my breast and spat on a few atheists. When that didn't work, I contacted the site administrators. I figure this can count as my visit with prostitutes:

Greetings, perverts and sodomites,

It has come to my attention that you have a directory of blogs from the NWT. I write from my post guarding the Garden of Eden, but my ISP is in Yellowknife, so I suppose that's close enough. The Garden of Eden is not really a physical place, anyway.

I think that if you add me to this directory, it will be a great evangelizing tool. For me. Not so much for you. I'm definitely praying for you, though. Not that it's likely to do any good, mind you, but I always feel good about myself when I pray for heathens. It just gives me an added boost to know how much better I am than the rest of you.


Lo and behold, my direct appeal worked! Now I have access to all of the site's readers! I'm sure they will be impressed by my holiness.

Remember, G-d CHOOSES who will be saved. It's not too late for you, though. I'm reaching out to atheists through this holy blog. Just part of my daily self-flagellation. That's how difficult this is for me. Imagining your ultimate pain and suffering is really hard, but it makes me feel better to know that you'll actually have to live through it.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Finally, a movie for people from my church!

I am TOTALLY going to see this movie. In fact, I think I'll hold a screening at my church. It's about time there was a major motion picture for people in my religion. We are always shut out of the movies. Nobody cares about us, so most movies are made for atheists. That's why I spend so much time picketing Lucasfilm.

I've known it all along, but I really just needed a celebrity like Ben Stein to spell it out for me. This evilution debate is really about freedom of speech. I should be allowed to preach my religion to children in public schools and call it science. Otherwise, the scientists will be restricting my freedom of speech. I am pretty sure I'll be able to take this one to the Supreme Court.

What a bunch of morons those scientists are! They actually think that people came from mud animated by lightning! Idiots. We all know that people DID come from mud, but there was no lightning involved, only God's will. Their explanation makes no sense at all. Have you ever seen lightning create life? I didn't think so. Now, look around you and see all of the beautiful plants and animals God has created. Checkmate, atheists!

I'm with Ben. If you're an atheist, that's totally fine with me. Go ahead and jump right into the lake of fire. If I tried to stop you, that would make me a Nazi. I've always liked to compare my critics to Nazis, but now that a celebrity is doing it, I know it's really the thing to do. You see, I am an enlightened person. Not like those scientists. In fact, some scientists worked for the Nazis, whereas nobody from my church ever had anything to do with the Third Reich. And if they did, they weren't really part of my church. They were probably atheists who just claimed to be members of my church to make me look bad.

Ben is such a revolutionary. His movie might even make you lose your job! That's how hard-core he is. He's fighting against The Man. Darwinists are unethical, and it's because evilution is the foundation of an immoral worldview. They'll do whatever it takes to push their atheism on small children. I MUST be allowed to teach those children my religion as science, and everything that I think challenges my religion should be banned from public schools. Evilution is a wedge issue. I've also heard that some so-called "scientists" are now claiming that the sun is a star. I KNOW that's not in my holy book, so it's obviously a pack of lies.

You see where this is leading. Friends, we must band together to fight this battle. Of course, I'm taking donations.