Sunday, May 27, 2007

As if birth control wasn't bad enough already

The sickos and pornographers are back.

Now they want women to be able to choose to not have periods. I'm against this, of course. I think this is blurring the line between male and female. Women should be allowed to have as many children as they want, and this new pill is nothing short of evil.

Since when do we not want babies? I love babies! I want lots of babies! I want everyone to have babies! It's always the perfect time to have babies!

This is playing God. Women need protection from this drug. How many times have you heard from women who WANT to have babies and can't?

This drug is just sick. A woman who doesn't have periods is just like a man. At a minimum, I think that if women are so wicked that they want to use birth control, they should at least have the decency to use the type that forces them to have periods. Fertility is a gift from God, and pretending otherwise is just plain wrong. The old-fashioned pills were good enough for God, so they should be good enough for God's children.

So remember:
Three weeks of pills + one week of placebo pills = GOOD.
Four weeks of pills = BAD.

But what's this I hear about women skipping the placebo pills for special occasions? Nobody ever told ME that was possible! So I'm against that, too. It's probably not safe, either. I don't care what the doctors say: I've never done it, so it must be morally wrong.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Teen letters

Dear Uriel,

I feel dirty just asking, but after I write this, I'm going to go take a cold shower. What physical contact is OK before marriage?

None. You pervert.

What happens if the wedding is called off? You know when the minister says You may kiss the bride? That's your permission to kiss. Before that, you're just asking for trouble.

Before the wedding, you can sit near each other, but no less than six inches apart, and even then you should stick a Bible in between you. It works both literally and metaphorically.

This is probably hard for you to accept because you've been dating since you were in the third grade, but it's not a good idea to hug other people who aren't in your family, either. Why come close to the line? And these people who say it's OK to hold hands after you get engaged are just trying to mess with your salvation. Get behind me, Satan!

Dear Uriel,

What if I've already blown it?

You disgust me. I'm going to pretend, for both our sakes, that we never met. It's better that way. When you are thrown into the lake of fire, I'll turn the other way out of respect for the time we spent together. For the rest of our time here on earth, I've set my e-mail filter to bounce all of your messages back. Also, I've de-friended you on Facebook.

Dear Uriel,

I'm distraught and I don't know what to believe. God clearly tells us not to murder, but all throughout the Old Testament he orders the slaughter of innocent people. Like the men who slandered Daniel by telling the truth when he prayed to God. Did their kids have to be thrown into the lions' den, too?

I'm deleting the rest of your message because you didn't quote the King James Version. Consider yourself lucky I'm responding at all, you heretic.

Your question is way worse than any murder. I'm giving you advance notice that I am in personal contact with God and I will be telling him what you said. Anything God does is right. If he orders the death of children, you can be sure it was the right decision. Instead of asking why he kills innocent people, you should be asking why he allows sodomites like you to live. That's certainly the top question on my mind.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Speaking for myself

Greetings, devil worshippers and false prophets:

It's a good thing I have my own blog and can speak for myself. Some liars and deceivers would have you believe that I am sad about a recent event. Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous!

I am not upset about Jerry Falwell's death. He's so liberal, I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. What he did was wicked in the Lord's sight. And trust me, I know what the Lord thinks.

I've been sitting on this information for a long time, but I feel no fear at revealing it now. This ad was in a respected publication that I subscribe to:

I think you can see why I'm so concerned. Concerned and offended. Concerned, offended and horrified.

Yes, I am complicit in hiding this abomination, but I'm forgiven. Jerry, on the other hand, will get as much torture and grief as the glory and luxury he gave himself. How repulsive. You see what I'm saying about him being a liberal.

Jerry is a hypocrite. He actually apologised for saying that feminists were responsible for the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Try as I might, I cannot understand why he would do such a thing. He also apologised for saying that the Antichrist was a male Jew who was already alive. I ask you: where is the sense in that? There's a word for people like Jerry, and that word is flip-flopper.

It didn't have to be this way. I thought we were kindred spirits. It turns out that I was wrong for the first and last time.

Every time Jerry would turn his back on his most devoted followers, I would say to myself, "One day he will be utterly annihilated and there will be a celebration in heaven." I tell you, death is the wrath of a just God against flip-floppers.

I don't know what greater proof you could ever need.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Each one threw down his staff and it became a snake. But Aaron's staff swallowed up their staffs.

So I'm sure you can imagine my terror when Ray Comfort announced that he was going to abandon his banana-based proofs and scientifically prove the existence of God without referring to Scripture. Ray is now doing the type of work that would get anyone else a Nobel Prize, but of course the scientific community is biased against scientific research that is based on poetry instead of evidence. Heathens!

I wasn't upset at the location he selected to reveal this scientific discovery ( or the format of his announcement (a debate with atheists). I was horrified because of the possibility that he might inadvertently prove the existence of Zeus. Without referring to Scripture, you can never be sure who you're proving.

Fortunately, Ray is crazy like a cat, and after he quoted Isaac Newton (who is at the forefront of 21st-century scientific discoveries) he immediately started talking about the Ten Commandments, Jesus' teachings and other things from Scripture. What a relief.

It turns out that evolution is the reason people don't believe in God. Who would have thought? This is why Ray is getting the big bucks: I can't imagine what it would be like to be so wise. I have this tiny little blog where I judge people, but Ray ambushes people on live TV and judges them. He is just way out of my league.

He has really made me think about how much smarter I am than everyone else, especially the so-called "scientific experts". Ray definitely knows more about biology than biologists do. If we came from apes, why are there still apes around??? And the whole theory falls like a house of cards.

I'm totally in favour of these debates. I hope ABC posts the rest of the conversation to their website. I really believe that the people who say that something doesn't exist should have the primary responsibility for proving their claims. That's so much easier than asking me and Ray to do all of the work.

Friday, May 4, 2007

The importance of the JPod

Hands up: Who understands that the sole factor in determining a musician's success is the number of satanic references on his CD?

You pathetic idiots. This is obvious to everyone else, including the banana guy. What, you've never played records backwards? I personally have ruined 144 turntables this way, and I'm prepared to ruin more if necessary.

Why can't you see that millions of Slayer fans are just waiting for the secret signal that will turn them into Satan worshippers who seek human sacrifice? This is a real threat. It could happen to anyone.

I think I might be sick. Ozzy Osbourne is a personal hero to millions of teenagers who want to be just like him. I know this is true, because I heard it at church. And it's totally true that Black Sabbath was one of the most popular bands from the late '60s to the turn of the century. G-d only knows how many young people have been corrupted. I mean, they were probably going to hell anyway because they were heathens, but now that I have another reason to be sure that I'm better than the rest of them, I just have to make sure everyone knows about it.

The Church of Satan is disgusting to me. Plus, they don't have anything new to say. My religious principles are much more current, because they haven't changed at all in the last 6000 years. Don't try to argue with me. I know I'm right. If you don't agree with me, you'll probably be attacked by terrorists.

I couldn't even watch this video all the way through. I was so horrified by the images of magazine covers that I had to turn it off. This is what you've done to me. Your world is repulsive and you will get what you deserve.

My church is fabulous, and your life is like a pigsty. I am so much better than you that it's hard for you to even realise it with your puny brain. You think you're just like me, but I know otherwise.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Separate and unequal

Greetings, perverts and sodomites:

It has been a rough week here in the true remnant. You would not believe what has happened. Heathens and sinners want the true believers to use the same parking tickets they use. I know. I was horrified too.

I wasn't sure how to respond at first. You see, the heathens use parking tickets that refer to "vehicles". Pagans! They disgust me. I only pay parking tickets that refer to "chariots of fire". If you're just going to accept that your vehicle is nothing more than an Oldsmobile, you are definitely not one of the true believers.

Everything in my life must be steeped in the Holy Spirit. If I may use the phrase, everything must be permeated with holiness. I am better than the rest of you. I only put up with your presence because otherwise I'd have to pay all the bills by myself.

I demanded separate parking tickets and claimed that the bylaw officers were trampling on my religious freedoms by issuing tickets that didn't refer to godliness. This worked well until I realised that some of the bylaw officers were -- wait for it -- NOT MEMBERS OF MY CHURCH. I know. I was disgusted too. I need to be in charge of the people who enforce the rules. Otherwise, I might not get free parking near my church, and there might not be enough enforcement near the public library. (I've been picketing for months, and the librarians still refuse to get rid of the books about other religions. Don't worry. I will have the last laugh, and it will go on for an eternity.)

So I submitted a formal complaint to the city, demanding that the bylaw officers immediately convert to my religion and start using the "chariot of fire" tickets for ALL vehicles, even the ones driven by heathens. It's for their own good, and it's not like it's hurting them to get a little extra religion in their lives. G-d knows they could use it.

This backfired. Wouldn't you know it, some big-city lawyer got involved and now nobody gets to use the holy traffic tickets! I spend a lot of time being offended, but this takes the cake made of fine flour and mixed with oil.

This is obviously discrimination. I am not being permitted to practise my religion. Trust me, I'm preparing a Charter challenge on this one.