Teen letters

Dear Uriel,

I feel dirty just asking, but after I write this, I'm going to go take a cold shower. What physical contact is OK before marriage?

None. You pervert.

What happens if the wedding is called off? You know when the minister says You may kiss the bride? That's your permission to kiss. Before that, you're just asking for trouble.

Before the wedding, you can sit near each other, but no less than six inches apart, and even then you should stick a Bible in between you. It works both literally and metaphorically.

This is probably hard for you to accept because you've been dating since you were in the third grade, but it's not a good idea to hug other people who aren't in your family, either. Why come close to the line? And these people who say it's OK to hold hands after you get engaged are just trying to mess with your salvation. Get behind me, Satan!

Dear Uriel,

What if I've already blown it?

You disgust me. I'm going to pretend, for both our sakes, that we never met. It's better that way. When you are thrown into the lake of fire, I'll turn the other way out of respect for the time we spent together. For the rest of our time here on earth, I've set my e-mail filter to bounce all of your messages back. Also, I've de-friended you on Facebook.

Dear Uriel,

I'm distraught and I don't know what to believe. God clearly tells us not to murder, but all throughout the Old Testament he orders the slaughter of innocent people. Like the men who slandered Daniel by telling the truth when he prayed to God. Did their kids have to be thrown into the lions' den, too?

I'm deleting the rest of your message because you didn't quote the King James Version. Consider yourself lucky I'm responding at all, you heretic.

Your question is way worse than any murder. I'm giving you advance notice that I am in personal contact with God and I will be telling him what you said. Anything God does is right. If he orders the death of children, you can be sure it was the right decision. Instead of asking why he kills innocent people, you should be asking why he allows sodomites like you to live. That's certainly the top question on my mind.