Separate and unequal

Greetings, perverts and sodomites:

It has been a rough week here in the true remnant. You would not believe what has happened. Heathens and sinners want the true believers to use the same parking tickets they use. I know. I was horrified too.

I wasn't sure how to respond at first. You see, the heathens use parking tickets that refer to "vehicles". Pagans! They disgust me. I only pay parking tickets that refer to "chariots of fire". If you're just going to accept that your vehicle is nothing more than an Oldsmobile, you are definitely not one of the true believers.

Everything in my life must be steeped in the Holy Spirit. If I may use the phrase, everything must be permeated with holiness. I am better than the rest of you. I only put up with your presence because otherwise I'd have to pay all the bills by myself.

I demanded separate parking tickets and claimed that the bylaw officers were trampling on my religious freedoms by issuing tickets that didn't refer to godliness. This worked well until I realised that some of the bylaw officers were -- wait for it -- NOT MEMBERS OF MY CHURCH. I know. I was disgusted too. I need to be in charge of the people who enforce the rules. Otherwise, I might not get free parking near my church, and there might not be enough enforcement near the public library. (I've been picketing for months, and the librarians still refuse to get rid of the books about other religions. Don't worry. I will have the last laugh, and it will go on for an eternity.)

So I submitted a formal complaint to the city, demanding that the bylaw officers immediately convert to my religion and start using the "chariot of fire" tickets for ALL vehicles, even the ones driven by heathens. It's for their own good, and it's not like it's hurting them to get a little extra religion in their lives. G-d knows they could use it.

This backfired. Wouldn't you know it, some big-city lawyer got involved and now nobody gets to use the holy traffic tickets! I spend a lot of time being offended, but this takes the cake made of fine flour and mixed with oil.

This is obviously discrimination. I am not being permitted to practise my religion. Trust me, I'm preparing a Charter challenge on this one.