Sunday, April 27, 2008

Yet Another Atheist Plot

Some random pervert has entered my name in the Best NWT Blogs contest. It is so typical of atheists. Really, do we NEED a contest? I don't think so. Other blogs might be more interesting, but this one is much, much holier.

In fact, I am thinking about picketing the contest. If I could figure out how to set up a picket line in cyberspace, I would already be there. I don't need to be in the same list as perverts and sodomites. OH YES, THERE ARE PERVERTS AND SODOMITES.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The land will vomit them out

How TYPICAL of the atheists to come up with something like this. They disgust me. Not that this is anything NEW, of course.

Listen up, atheists. There is NO EVIDENCE for a flying spaghetti monster. You can tell that I'm telling the truth, because I used the caps lock.

On the other hand, my religion is 100% real, and I am prepared to prove it, right here and right now. Get ready to be bowled over from the shock of finally seeing the light.

1. I exist, and you exist. Therefore, something must have made us. That's God. (Uriel 1, Atheists 0.)

2. If God did not exist, I would be a murderer. I know this. The only thing stopping me from committing atrocities is the knowledge that there is a God. (You can't make up evidence like this. Uriel 2, Atheists 0.)

3. My holy book is true. I can prove this through many, many lines in my holy book that all state that my holy book is true. On the other hand, you've got no holy book at all. What, you DON'T have thousands of years' worth of tradition on your side? (Uriel 3, Atheists 0.)

4. You just hate God. I knew that was your real problem. Don't worry. God hates you, too! (Uriel 4, Atheists 0.)

5. Wait a minute. I don't need to finish the list. You're going to see that I'm right soon enough. Your perverted lifestyle only leads to one thing, after all.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

The No-Sin Zone

It has come to my attention that perverts and sodomites read this blog. This is partly good, because there's nothing better than imagining the eventual downfall of a pervert or a sodomite, but partly bad. What if they swayed the faithful? It's one thing to watch someone else get tortured with fire for all eternity, but it's quite another to be personally tortured with fire for all eternity. I mean, eternity's a long time. A REALLY long time. I definitely wouldn't want that for myself.

So I am declaring this blog a NO-SIN ZONE. Only members of my church will be allowed to stay. That means you're not invited. You can go play in the road.

Are all of the perverts gone yet?

On to the good stuff!

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Why must they ask these questions?

I am filled with righteous indignation, even more than usual. You see, my co-religionist Ray Comfort is getting a lot of angry comments from people who are just going to hell anyway. I'm not sure why we bother with them, but, at least in this life, they do seem rather loud.

You'll remember Ray, the keen scientific mind who developed an ironclad proof for the existence of God:

Well, Ray has apparently stirred up a lot of controversy by saying that God tortures Holocaust victims. This is not just something he's tossed off without thinking: he challenges readers to think about whether free salvation should be limited to people who died in German concentration camps, or could be available to people who died under communism or in car crashes. For some reason, this has upset the atheists. It's nothing compared to how upset they'll be after they die and discover that they were wrong, but WHAT. EVER.

I'd like to point out that this entire freak show is entirely the atheists' fault. They asked Ray if Jews would go to hell. He tried to duck the question, and then decided to answer. It's not as if those pesky atheists didn't already KNOW what Ray would say. It's as if they're surprised or something. No, this is all their fault.

Listen, atheists: Nobody is forcing you to listen to Ray Comfort. If he's preaching on the street, just take a different road. Don't ask him questions and then get all upset at the answers.