Friday, December 12, 2008

They Should Be Flogged

You WILL NOT believe it.

There is a blog out there that makes fun of my religion. And they make fun of ME! It is hard to believe, I know.

First, I prayed that they would stop. Unfortunately, that didn't work. God must want me to stop them myself. That's why I now send them insulting messages, sometimes up to a hundred every day, pointing out how stupid they are. Anyone who criticises me has to be an idiot. Everything they say is a lie. (This is called an a priori argument.)

I spend hours every day reading and commenting on this evil blog, refreshing the page over and over, praying that someone else will show up and agree with my holy messages. It will happen eventually, I'm sure of it. And when it does, I'll be there to see it happen. I burn with holiness every time I see that those heathens have put up a new post. I have even given up my shift picketing the public library so I can keep an eye on the Internet.

But since that still hasn't produced the results I would like, I have decided to step up my game. These evil people are interfering with my freedom of speech, so they must be shut down. Yes. It is clearly the only option I have left. Nobody should be allowed to criticise me. It is blatantly unfair that they are allowed to exist, let alone to spew their propaganda! Who ever heard of such a thing?

I'm glad to see that you agree.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The end times

Greetings, ye who have not yet purged the evil from among you:

As I'm sure you can understand, I have been much too busy to blog. I have been focused on the election. Naturally, we saints understand that the best way to steal the election is to pray for success. We are willing to stay at home on our knees all of Election Day, just to make sure that our preferred candidate wins. Never say that we aren't willing to do the work that really counts. Voting is just a sign that G-d can't do it without our help.

However, it has come to our attention that we are fighting a true prince of darkness. Apparently our opponent has put a witchcraft curse on us. Yes. The warlocks in Kenya get up every morning at 3:00 to put curses on the only G-dly candidate, trying to make us look ridiculous.

This is truly disturbing. Even though those religions are made up, their curses still work. That's just common sense. Goodness knows how many of those curses might be heading our way.

Some might say that the armies of Satan could never prevail, but I am concerned. Those of us in the pro-America regions need to watch out. It is possible that evil spirits could take over if we don't pray hard enough. Omnipotent deities need a certain level of support before they are willing to act. On the other hand, those made-up religions can work no matter how many people are casting the spells.

Don't ask me HOW this works; I just know that it DOES.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Tell me more, tell me more

It occurs to me that it has been a while since I took any testimonies. This has led to a very uncomfortable situation. For me. Not so much for you. But really, this religion is all about ME and the way I feel.

I think it's best when I know what's going on in your life. That way, I can add my prayers to yours. And it's important that my prayers be as specific as possible. You see, you're not as devout as I am, so when you pray about your problems, it's not as good as when I help out. How am I supposed to do that if I don't know your secrets?

So, tell me: What can I pray for you about?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The sharp, double-edged sword

Greetings, ye who eat food sacrificed to idols:

I admit it.

I was momentarily confused by the fast-talking evilutionists. It seemed like they might have evidence for what I now see is a plainly ridiculous theory.

But then I spent some more time on the Internet, where someone told me that evolution is a religion.

I TOTALLY GET IT NOW. Evolution really IS a religion! Therefore, I can mock it and be sure that it's not real.

Yes, I hear your complaints. You never stop, do you?

I mean that OTHER religions aren't real. Mine is 100% true. That's why it's OK for me to insult other people by saying that they are religious. They're not religious in the exact way that I am, so they're wrong.

Try to keep up, would you?

Thursday, August 7, 2008

I'm back!

Friends, it has been a long time, but these have been busy days.

I have been conducting scientific research to figure out if my religion is the real one. If it is, I can still be assured of eternal happiness, while you perverts and sodomites will be assured of eternal damnation.

I have conducted the following experiments:
  • I stepped on all of the cracks in the sidewalk. So far, my mother's back remains unbroken.
  • I looked really, really carefully at a photo of a rock that looked like it was a fossil of a human footprint underneath a dinosaur footprint. It looked real to me!
  • I prayed that if my religion was real, I would get some sort of sign. The next morning when I woke up, one of the flowers in my garden had bloomed.
This is the sort of evidence that cannot be made up. Obviously, my religion is the correct one.

You atheists don't know what you have coming to you. Fortunately, I do.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

It's very hard to be me

Friends, I apologise for my long absence, but this is a crisis. What if the other guy's religion is actually the correct one? What does that mean for ME?

I am doing my best to ignore these thoughts. I need people like Brother Edward to help me through this. Any support you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Massah and Meribah

Friends, I have been tested.

The man with the book came back to my house. He said that he thought I hadn't understood his religion.

I explained quite politely that I understood his religion just fine, but I still thought it was a pack of lies. Then I warned him, again quite politely, that he was going to burn in hell for eternity unless he immediately converted to MY religion.

And I think I let my guard down, because he said that MY religion was the fake one. Now I'm not sure what to think.

Normally I would have spat on his garments and ordered him out of my house, but he actually made me wonder if he was right.

This is going to cause problems, I can tell already.