Saturday, April 28, 2007

Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude

Greetings, those who will suffer the punishment of eternal fire:

I am continually disgusted by your perversions and immorality. They are constant fodder for my prayers, which I offer in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men (the more the merrier, I always say).

If I could shut myself off from your hedonistic ways, I certainly would. As that's not possible, I have contented myself with establishing holy counterparts to your wicked, wicked lifestyle. I spit on you.

My new favourite website is an alternative to YouTube. No, I will not provide a link. This is a holy blog. As we all know, YouTube contains many offensive videos. The government should have taken action against this site long ago -- it promotes immorality and devil worship. They will be punished for their sins seven times over, and I will get to watch. Frankly, I can't wait.

The alternative to YouTube is GodTube. It includes videos that prove the existence of God, like this one, which is labelled on the site as "The Atheist's Nightmare":

Strictly for research purposes, I spent some time with prostitutes and tax collectors to conduct some field testing on this video. I'm pleased to report that it truly is the atheist's nightmare. The arguments presented in this video are so compelling that four out of five atheists immediately renounced their evil lifestyles and gave their hearts to the Lord. I made sure to write their names down, so I can get credit for their conversions at the end of days. (I wouldn't want anyone else to steal my Commission -- that's a little joke that sinners like you probably won't get.) The fifth was destined for eternal fire anyway, so I'm not too worried.

This site is proof that believers are cool. My favourite videos are the Mac/PC parody ads. You might not know this, but true believers don't call themselves "Christians" anymore. We're known as "Christ-followers". Christians are losers. Just check this out:

Or this:

I encourage you to go to this site and learn more about Christ-followers. It's definitely what Jesus would do. In the meantime, I'll be on the street corners with the prostitutes, telling them who is going to heaven and who is not.


Stephen Dawe said...

Uriel, I am so glad you're not real, as I'd have to pray for your salvation, and I already have a long list.

Jesus seems to have a lot of problems with people who are righteous in their own eyes. That seems the point of Luke 18:9-14.

Uriel said...

Who is this "Luke"?

Is he part of the church of Laodicia, which was so lukewarm that the son of man spat it out of his mouth?