Top Five Reasons We Can't Let The Atheists Win 2008, No Matter What

Greetings, ye who shall go down alive into the grave:

2007 is over. It's been a long year. Today I present the Top Five Reasons We Can't Let The Atheists Win 2008, No Matter What. Sure, it's a bit too long to fit on a T-shirt, but it was dictated directly by God, so I didn't change one jot or tittle. Also, some people (who will be turned into salt) have complained that the heathen standard is a "top 10" list. I say if five is good enough for the creator of the world, who needs ten? Nobody, that's who.

5. Atheists' Lives Have No Meaning.

As we all know, there is a God. If there wasn't, life would have no meaning. Therefore, there is a God. I can't believe atheists are this dumb. Seriously, it's like they don't want life to mean anything. "Look at me! I'm an atheist! When I die, worms eat my body!" I crack myself up.

4. Atheists Are Stupid.

We can't let stupid people win. The facts support the creation account, not fairy tales. Duuuuh. It's like they believe there was nothing, which exploded and made our entire world in 15 billion years. Wait a minute: That's EXACTLY what they believe! What duffers! As if a deity couldn't create the universe with the sheer power of his mind and simply make it LOOK like it took all that time. Dinosaur fossils: Just there to trick the atheists!

3. Atheists Take Everything On Blind Faith.

Science is just WORDS WRITTEN IN A BOOK. Written by humans! And it changes all the time! It's always changing! Now, you tell me which you prefer: Science, which changes all the time and you never know what's really true and nobody really understands, or God's word, which never changes and is ALWAYS right and gives me my certainty that I am personally going to watch you suffer eternal flames? I know which one I'll be choosing.

2. Atheists Can't Get Their Stories Straight.

Evolution is a lie. I know this because it's in my holy book. Atheists are so busy trying to make up so-called "natural laws" that they've forgotten to make sure that they all agree. Which is it, hmmm? Is it Mendelian inheritance or natural selection? It can't be both. Oh, and is punctuated equilibrium correct or not? Hmmm? I don't understand these things, and neither do you. Even the atheists don't agree! Meanwhile, my holy book hasn't changed at all and is easy to understand. Who needs natural laws when you've got God's law? Nobody, that's who.

1. I Am Right, And I Know It.

Put that on a T-shirt! That'll fit.

Uriel 1, Pagans -- well, do we HAVE to give them a number?

Friends, I am pleased to announce a partial victory in the War On Me.

As you know, some people write books that I disagree with. Other people write books that I used to like, but now hate because I found out that the author isn’t a member of my religion.

So I’m happy to announce that a Toronto school board has banned His Dark Materials from its school libraries. These books are not in line with my values, even though I didn’t realize it the first time I read them. Clearly, they must be pulled from the school shelves. Big Government shouldn’t be forcing children to read these books, even if, technically, they weren’t being forced to read them. Making them available is basically the same thing as forcing innocent children to sin.

My critics are heathens and atheists. Libraries can’t possibly include every book: they have limited budgets. They have to be prudent about which books they buy. Therefore, removing this book that they already had on their shelves will actually save tax dollars. I read that somewhere.

However, this is just a partial victory. Removing the books from the library only protects children while they are in school. What about after school?

I’m calling for volunteers to do a house-by-house search. These books must be destroyed. I cannot believe that they make my religion look authoritarian. We DO NOT throw our weight around and demand that other people follow our religion! They can be as heathen as they want, as long as I don’t find out about it.

Finally, someone who's not afraid to tell it like it is

Are you sick of so-called celebrities deciding that your religion is all about "peace" and "equality"? Me too.

I can hear you from here: Amen, sister! Those perverts have watered down our religion until it's practically meaningless! I mean, ANYONE could be nice to other people! What's religious about that? Nothing, that's what. Religion is all about knowing who's in and who's out (of hell, that is). If everyone can get in, where does that leave me?

That's why I'm so glad I got a special message directly from the Lord telling me that YouTube is OK for anointed saints like myself (but NOT for perverts like you). I have finally been able to connect with other people who are almost as holy as I am. I'm presenting one of my favourites here as a public service. GodHatesFags111 is out there ACTUALLY DOING the things the heathens just talk about. And they're doing it in harmony and rhyme.

I definitely recommend watching this video several times. I personally was seized with the Spirit and rolled on the floor, unable to control myself. That's evidence even the heathens should be able to accept.

Beware the helmeted heathens

Greetings, ye who will be turned into pillars of salt:

Leave me alone. Yes, it's been a long time, but I've been busy. You perverts have no idea how hard it is to be me.

We godly ones have been working hard to fight the powers of evil. You will not believe it, but City Council wants to create a helmet bylaw for cyclists. YES. I was horrified too.

OK, so they don't really want to do this, in the strict sense that technically, they voted it down, but SOME people on City Council wanted to do it, and that's good enough for me.

I don't know how many times I am going to have to say this. HELMETS LEAD TO IMMORALITY. They make people think they are safe, and we all know what happens when people think they are safe. I would rather see everyone die in car crashes than see a single person on a bike wearing a helmet.

True fact: People who wear helmets are twice as likely to die of syphilis. That's a fact. I read it somewhere.

True fact: People with syphilis are going straight into the lake of fire. That's also a fact. You can check that one out in your Bible. That's the big thick book you hide your so-called "marriage certificate" in.

Friends, this one was close. I don't think you realise how much danger we were all in. We cannot have Big Government imposing its disgusting values on our children.

Really good science

This looks familiar

The best thing about being in personal contact with God is that I always know that whatever I'm thinking is right. Never question me. I have all of the answers, even if your puny mind can't handle it.

It is the sound of singing that I hear

I'm the very model of a crazy evangelical,
Condemning everything I hate or demonize unbiblical
I'm waiting, breathing, teaching, screaming, still apocalyptical
And reject any suggestion that I'm comical or clinical
I'm very well acquainted, too, with all good things political
No need to ask: you ought to know I'm never quite theatrical
And we all know I'm better than you -- let's give up this silly ruse
With many cheerful facts about your punishments (I must enthuse)

I am definitely going to see this movie

I wash my hands in innocence

It has been a tough weekend. I've been watching the skies, but so far no fire or sulphur has fallen. I'm sure it's on its way, though, so I'm advising the faithful to stay indoors.

I stood in line for hours Friday night, surrounded by sorcerers and witches who had cast off all pretensions. I'm pretty sure their pointed hats were woven from two types of cloth, but I was trying not to look directly at them. I, of course, put on righteousness as my clothing, and justice is my robe and my turban.

In any case, I had pre-ordered a thousand copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and I got my copies at midnight. I got a few people from the homeless shelter to help me carry them away (naturally, I won't touch the books or the people). It seemed only right, since I'd taken my church's usual donation to the soup kitchen to pay for the books. They stacked up the books and I set it on fire. The glory of the Lord looked like a consuming fire on top of the mountain of books. In fact, it's still smoking, which is another reason I'm glad we lit the fire at the homeless shelter: not only does that pesky bylaw officer not know that I'm involved, but I refuse to light any fires at my own house on the Sabbath day. Someone else can be put to death for THAT sin.

Screw you guys, I'm going home

Greetings, ye who shall be punished to the third and fourth generations:

Yes, it has been a long time, but I have been busy, so just leave me alone. You have no idea how much work is involved in setting up a prayer chain when everyone around me is a pervert or a sodomite (SOMETIMES BOTH!!!). And each one needs to be set up individually, because I can never count on everyone to do the right thing. Sometimes I can get a person to rally against the public library, but his support just MELTS when it's time to leave flaming bags of dog poop in the librarians' cars. Don't feel sorry for me: this is just part of life here in the true remnant. There are only 144,000 of us, after all. I can't expect everyone to be as dedicated as I am when they are destined for an entirely different type of stinking fire.

And that's the main problem today. When I reviewed GodTube a few weeks ago, I promised to let you know about Conservapedia, which I thought would be a holy alternative to the godless Wikipedia.

Well! It turns out that conservatives are not so conservative after all. Now they are claiming that not all conservatives are Christians, and they don't want articles to state that miracles are true. I should have known this would happen eventually. The land will vomit them out.

For some reason, Conservapedia can only find 62 examples of bias in Wikipedia. What, did they stop for coffee and forget to finish?

The first seven examples are so-called "smears". HA! I smear people ten times before breakfast. Mentioning Mary Cheney's sexuality is child's play. Wikipedia couldn't do better than this? I doubt it. In fact, I'm sure that Conservapedia is complicit. Otherwise, they would have mentioned that Wikipedia associates Jerry Falwell with evangelicalism, states flat-out that Judas does not betray Jesus, and claims that the Great Commission is about baptism rather than making payments to people who convert others. In fact, my own entry mentions apocryphal, kabbalistic and occult works in the second sentence. This has got to be an error, and yet Conservapedia doesn't mention it. PAGANS!

Example #8 points out that Wikipedia's entry about Zach Johnson fails to mention the fact that the athlete credits God with his wins. Hmmm. I don't watch a lot of sports, but athletes thank God in every interview I've ever seen. So I checked Conservapedia, and -- what do you know? -- there were NO ARTICLES about John McEnroe, Magic Johnson or David Beckham. Who's biased NOW? This was a chance to spread the gospel, and they blew it! They disgust me.

In example #9, I am, as usual, infuriated that the opinions of experts in earth and life sciences would be relevant when discussing evolution. I think that the factual validity of evolution should be determined in the comments section of the Globe and Mail's website. I really could not care less what scientists have to say about the matter. This is beneath my Conservapedia.

Moving through the list, I see that Conservapedia accuses Wikipedia of anti-Americanism, points out that most Wikipedians are from Christian countries, and blames Wikipedia for making assertions that are not backed up by evidence. I ask you: When did the lack of evidence ever stop true believers from spreading their stories? We ought to be congratulating Wikipedia, not pointing fingers at them.

I am particularly interested in example #22. Yes, the one that points out that Wikipedia awarded "good article" status to an article that neglected to mention that the school in the article "converted its metal shop into a sex-based 'health' clinic". WHAT? I need more details before I can pass judgment. For example, in what way are the metals involved in the sex clinic? What kind of education goes on there? Who is providing the education? I need lots and lots of details, preferably with pictures of the underage activity, before I can pass judgment. Conservapedia: you bungled this one yet again.

And #23! Nobody ever told ME you could find pornographic images on Wikipedia! Clearly, the mainstream media has fallen down on the job yet again. What do I search for? In the interest of providing full and complete information to my readers, I need details. I am personally responsible for passing judgment on perverts; I can't do that if I don't have all of the information that could be available to me.

I don't think I need to go on. Conservapedia is a joke. We here in the true remnant don't take them seriously, and neither should you.

Yeah, what that guy said!

So I went over to that evil of the modern world, YouTube, and I searched for my favourite topic. And lo and behold! Look what popped up!

This is called Satan's Tool: The Truth About Contemporary Christian Music. I'm starting to think that perhaps I was wrong about YouTube. Any website that would include a video that is so quick to judge others can't be all bad.

Listen to this guy. He is telling you how to know if music is holy or not. Some of you heathens probably think that the lyrics can tell you if a song is about G-d. Well, that's where you're wrong.

Help Wanted: Apply Within

Greetings, ye who touch the carcasses of unclean wild animals:

I did not think it would come to this, but some of the perverts who read this holy blog raised some concerns about my last post. Apparently, I took Judges 13:4 out of context, and there are plenty of verses in the Bible that say it's OK to drink wine. I intend to keep drinking the Kool-Aid, but there are consequences. This means I have to put more effort into my own salvation. Not much more effort, of course, but it does mean I'll try to read more than one verse at a time.

And I'm not the only one. I'm going to need help, because until I started reading Leviticus, I was not aware that there are so many unclean things out there. Normally I would not debase myself by asking for help from sorcerers and pagans (I usually turn to the courts to force the heathens to do what I want) but there is no time to file legal papers. I need volunteers now. I can't do all of the picketing by myself.

First, I'm going to need everyone to take an oath of fealty. Do it now. Right now. Really quickly, before you have time to think about it. AHA! Gotcha! Now you are guilty. You have to help me. Sucks to be you, eh? What's that? You say you didn't know this was a bad thing? Boy oh boy, it's too bad for you that you didn't read the Bible enough. And you know what happens to guilty people? They go into the lake of fire. This isn't actually in Leviticus, because it was the Gentle Lamb of God who came up with the idea of torturing people after they were dead, but I know it's true anyway. I don't need lots of fancy references. This is why you have to read the WHOLE Bible, see? If you just read the Old Testament, you would think that the worst punishment you could get would be execution, unless God remembered to curse your unlucky descendants. If you keep reading, you'll see that the true genius of the New Testament is the concept of eternal punishment. Those guys were way ahead of their time.

One way to get out of the lake of fire is to help me to spread the gospel. I need you to split into four groups.

Group #1:
I was going to ask you to stand outside City Hall to make sure they didn't issue any licenses to businesses that pay workers weekly or biweekly, but I've decided that I can take this over in addition to my gay-marriage duties. Go ahead and thank me. I am just that dedicated. In addition to making sure that the city clerk doesn't issue marriage licenses to gay couples, I will check the business plans of every entrepreneur who shows up. They are not allowed to hold back wages overnight. It's in the Bible.

No, I need you to picket the county fair. It has come to my attention that they sell all sorts of unclean animals for food, like rabbits, pork sausages and shellfish. I am starting to think that pork is better than shellfish, because the pork is just unclean, while the shellfish is actually an abomination. I throw that word around a lot myself, so I know it's serious. While you're at it, I need you to petition the international scientific community to accept that bats are actually birds. When they ask for proof, just pull out your Bible.

Group #2:
This is going to be difficult. I need you to split up and picket dermatologists' offices. You have to force them out of business. We don't need them anymore; we have Leviticus 13 & 14. The sooner they turn this job over to the priests, the better it will be for all of us. And when I say "all of us", I really mean "me".

Group #3:
You're going to be responsible for shunning people who clip the edges off their beards, get tattoos, or cut their sideburns. This is going to be quite a job, because some people get tattoos in parts of their bodies that are covered by clothes. So you're going to have to start uncovering nakedness, but men can't uncover the nakedness of certain people. Obviously, the men are going to have to wrestle people to the ground, then look away while women strip people to look for tattoos.

Group #4:
You need to help me finish the book of Leviticus. Who wrote this thing, anyway? I mean, I know it was G-d, that's a given, but MAN, where are the exciting stories? Wasn't this supposed to be the same author as Revelation? After he incinerates Aaron's sons for bringing the wrong incense, nothing really interesting happens. Well, unless you count the constant judgment, which is always good for a children's bedtime story, but I can't say that I find it particularly inspiring. I need something to get behind.

Excuses, excuses

Greetings, ye who will be put to death with your households:

As if anyone needed even one reason to avoid their sacred duty to spread the good news, our so-called "friends" at GodTube have now provided EIGHT reasons. Not only that, but they've illustrated their heretical argument with a little play. Acting is a tool of Satan.

These people are like yeast. I haven't been vigilant enough: I should have asked G-d to strike them with plague long ago, but I waited. Yes, this is my fault, but fortunately I'm forgiven.

The signs are all around us. There is even a movement at my church to use wine instead of Kool-Aid. Yes, you heard me. How degenerate. Judges 13:4 tells us in no uncertain terms to drink no wine or fermented drink. I plan to smite their loins until they rise no more.

My religion is the most tolerant and loving one in existence, and my own God is the only one that's real. I know this because it's in the Bible, which also states that every word in the Bible is true. No other religion can say that about its holy book. Therefore, my religion is the right one.

I have an obligation to spread the good news: that's why this blog exists. If I didn't have this blog, I'd be reduced to pamphleteering, and that's just not a good use of my time when I could be putting my energy into passing judgment on sorcerers and adulterers. This is why I was so pleased when GodTube launched. Finally, a website where people from my church could feel comfortable! We are so busy fighting off the twin menaces of gay marriage and clothing made of blended fibers that we really need a place to kick back. We used to go there to talk about how great it will be to watch the rest of you as you are seared by the intense heat but still refuse to repent.

And now I see that even GodTube has been corrupted. This will be a lesson to me: I must see to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

As if birth control wasn't bad enough already

The sickos and pornographers are back.

Now they want women to be able to choose to not have periods. I'm against this, of course. I think this is blurring the line between male and female. Women should be allowed to have as many children as they want, and this new pill is nothing short of evil.

Since when do we not want babies? I love babies! I want lots of babies! I want everyone to have babies! It's always the perfect time to have babies!

This is playing God. Women need protection from this drug. How many times have you heard from women who WANT to have babies and can't?

This drug is just sick. A woman who doesn't have periods is just like a man. At a minimum, I think that if women are so wicked that they want to use birth control, they should at least have the decency to use the type that forces them to have periods. Fertility is a gift from God, and pretending otherwise is just plain wrong. The old-fashioned pills were good enough for God, so they should be good enough for God's children.

So remember:
Three weeks of pills + one week of placebo pills = GOOD.
Four weeks of pills = BAD.

But what's this I hear about women skipping the placebo pills for special occasions? Nobody ever told ME that was possible! So I'm against that, too. It's probably not safe, either. I don't care what the doctors say: I've never done it, so it must be morally wrong.

Teen letters

Dear Uriel,

I feel dirty just asking, but after I write this, I'm going to go take a cold shower. What physical contact is OK before marriage?

None. You pervert.

What happens if the wedding is called off? You know when the minister says You may kiss the bride? That's your permission to kiss. Before that, you're just asking for trouble.

Before the wedding, you can sit near each other, but no less than six inches apart, and even then you should stick a Bible in between you. It works both literally and metaphorically.

This is probably hard for you to accept because you've been dating since you were in the third grade, but it's not a good idea to hug other people who aren't in your family, either. Why come close to the line? And these people who say it's OK to hold hands after you get engaged are just trying to mess with your salvation. Get behind me, Satan!

Dear Uriel,

What if I've already blown it?

You disgust me. I'm going to pretend, for both our sakes, that we never met. It's better that way. When you are thrown into the lake of fire, I'll turn the other way out of respect for the time we spent together. For the rest of our time here on earth, I've set my e-mail filter to bounce all of your messages back. Also, I've de-friended you on Facebook.

Dear Uriel,

I'm distraught and I don't know what to believe. God clearly tells us not to murder, but all throughout the Old Testament he orders the slaughter of innocent people. Like the men who slandered Daniel by telling the truth when he prayed to God. Did their kids have to be thrown into the lions' den, too?

I'm deleting the rest of your message because you didn't quote the King James Version. Consider yourself lucky I'm responding at all, you heretic.

Your question is way worse than any murder. I'm giving you advance notice that I am in personal contact with God and I will be telling him what you said. Anything God does is right. If he orders the death of children, you can be sure it was the right decision. Instead of asking why he kills innocent people, you should be asking why he allows sodomites like you to live. That's certainly the top question on my mind.

For the heathens

Celebrity endorsement

Speaking for myself

Greetings, devil worshippers and false prophets:

It's a good thing I have my own blog and can speak for myself. Some liars and deceivers would have you believe that I am sad about a recent event. Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous!

I am not upset about Jerry Falwell's death. He's so liberal, I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. What he did was wicked in the Lord's sight. And trust me, I know what the Lord thinks.

I've been sitting on this information for a long time, but I feel no fear at revealing it now. This ad was in a respected publication that I subscribe to:

I think you can see why I'm so concerned. Concerned and offended. Concerned, offended and horrified.

Yes, I am complicit in hiding this abomination, but I'm forgiven. Jerry, on the other hand, will get as much torture and grief as the glory and luxury he gave himself. How repulsive. You see what I'm saying about him being a liberal.

Jerry is a hypocrite. He actually apologised for saying that feminists were responsible for the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Try as I might, I cannot understand why he would do such a thing. He also apologised for saying that the Antichrist was a male Jew who was already alive. I ask you: where is the sense in that? There's a word for people like Jerry, and that word is flip-flopper.

It didn't have to be this way. I thought we were kindred spirits. It turns out that I was wrong for the first and last time.

Every time Jerry would turn his back on his most devoted followers, I would say to myself, "One day he will be utterly annihilated and there will be a celebration in heaven." I tell you, death is the wrath of a just God against flip-floppers.

I don't know what greater proof you could ever need.

What's in my JPod?

Each one threw down his staff and it became a snake. But Aaron's staff swallowed up their staffs.

So I'm sure you can imagine my terror when Ray Comfort announced that he was going to abandon his banana-based proofs and scientifically prove the existence of God without referring to Scripture. Ray is now doing the type of work that would get anyone else a Nobel Prize, but of course the scientific community is biased against scientific research that is based on poetry instead of evidence. Heathens!

I wasn't upset at the location he selected to reveal this scientific discovery (ABC.com) or the format of his announcement (a debate with atheists). I was horrified because of the possibility that he might inadvertently prove the existence of Zeus. Without referring to Scripture, you can never be sure who you're proving.

Fortunately, Ray is crazy like a cat, and after he quoted Isaac Newton (who is at the forefront of 21st-century scientific discoveries) he immediately started talking about the Ten Commandments, Jesus' teachings and other things from Scripture. What a relief.

It turns out that evolution is the reason people don't believe in God. Who would have thought? This is why Ray is getting the big bucks: I can't imagine what it would be like to be so wise. I have this tiny little blog where I judge people, but Ray ambushes people on live TV and judges them. He is just way out of my league.

He has really made me think about how much smarter I am than everyone else, especially the so-called "scientific experts". Ray definitely knows more about biology than biologists do. If we came from apes, why are there still apes around??? And the whole theory falls like a house of cards.

I'm totally in favour of these debates. I hope ABC posts the rest of the conversation to their website. I really believe that the people who say that something doesn't exist should have the primary responsibility for proving their claims. That's so much easier than asking me and Ray to do all of the work.

The importance of the JPod

Hands up: Who understands that the sole factor in determining a musician's success is the number of satanic references on his CD?

You pathetic idiots. This is obvious to everyone else, including the banana guy. What, you've never played records backwards? I personally have ruined 144 turntables this way, and I'm prepared to ruin more if necessary.

Why can't you see that millions of Slayer fans are just waiting for the secret signal that will turn them into Satan worshippers who seek human sacrifice? This is a real threat. It could happen to anyone.

I think I might be sick. Ozzy Osbourne is a personal hero to millions of teenagers who want to be just like him. I know this is true, because I heard it at church. And it's totally true that Black Sabbath was one of the most popular bands from the late '60s to the turn of the century. G-d only knows how many young people have been corrupted. I mean, they were probably going to hell anyway because they were heathens, but now that I have another reason to be sure that I'm better than the rest of them, I just have to make sure everyone knows about it.

The Church of Satan is disgusting to me. Plus, they don't have anything new to say. My religious principles are much more current, because they haven't changed at all in the last 6000 years. Don't try to argue with me. I know I'm right. If you don't agree with me, you'll probably be attacked by terrorists.

I couldn't even watch this video all the way through. I was so horrified by the images of magazine covers that I had to turn it off. This is what you've done to me. Your world is repulsive and you will get what you deserve.

My church is fabulous, and your life is like a pigsty. I am so much better than you that it's hard for you to even realise it with your puny brain. You think you're just like me, but I know otherwise.

Separate and unequal

Greetings, perverts and sodomites:

It has been a rough week here in the true remnant. You would not believe what has happened. Heathens and sinners want the true believers to use the same parking tickets they use. I know. I was horrified too.

I wasn't sure how to respond at first. You see, the heathens use parking tickets that refer to "vehicles". Pagans! They disgust me. I only pay parking tickets that refer to "chariots of fire". If you're just going to accept that your vehicle is nothing more than an Oldsmobile, you are definitely not one of the true believers.

Everything in my life must be steeped in the Holy Spirit. If I may use the phrase, everything must be permeated with holiness. I am better than the rest of you. I only put up with your presence because otherwise I'd have to pay all the bills by myself.

I demanded separate parking tickets and claimed that the bylaw officers were trampling on my religious freedoms by issuing tickets that didn't refer to godliness. This worked well until I realised that some of the bylaw officers were -- wait for it -- NOT MEMBERS OF MY CHURCH. I know. I was disgusted too. I need to be in charge of the people who enforce the rules. Otherwise, I might not get free parking near my church, and there might not be enough enforcement near the public library. (I've been picketing for months, and the librarians still refuse to get rid of the books about other religions. Don't worry. I will have the last laugh, and it will go on for an eternity.)

So I submitted a formal complaint to the city, demanding that the bylaw officers immediately convert to my religion and start using the "chariot of fire" tickets for ALL vehicles, even the ones driven by heathens. It's for their own good, and it's not like it's hurting them to get a little extra religion in their lives. G-d knows they could use it.

This backfired. Wouldn't you know it, some big-city lawyer got involved and now nobody gets to use the holy traffic tickets! I spend a lot of time being offended, but this takes the cake made of fine flour and mixed with oil.

This is obviously discrimination. I am not being permitted to practise my religion. Trust me, I'm preparing a Charter challenge on this one.

Bringing Jesus Back to my JPod

What's in my jPod?

Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude

Greetings, those who will suffer the punishment of eternal fire:

I am continually disgusted by your perversions and immorality. They are constant fodder for my prayers, which I offer in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men (the more the merrier, I always say).

If I could shut myself off from your hedonistic ways, I certainly would. As that's not possible, I have contented myself with establishing holy counterparts to your wicked, wicked lifestyle. I spit on you.

My new favourite website is an alternative to YouTube. No, I will not provide a link. This is a holy blog. As we all know, YouTube contains many offensive videos. The government should have taken action against this site long ago -- it promotes immorality and devil worship. They will be punished for their sins seven times over, and I will get to watch. Frankly, I can't wait.

The alternative to YouTube is GodTube. It includes videos that prove the existence of God, like this one, which is labelled on the site as "The Atheist's Nightmare":



Strictly for research purposes, I spent some time with prostitutes and tax collectors to conduct some field testing on this video. I'm pleased to report that it truly is the atheist's nightmare. The arguments presented in this video are so compelling that four out of five atheists immediately renounced their evil lifestyles and gave their hearts to the Lord. I made sure to write their names down, so I can get credit for their conversions at the end of days. (I wouldn't want anyone else to steal my Commission -- that's a little joke that sinners like you probably won't get.) The fifth was destined for eternal fire anyway, so I'm not too worried.

This site is proof that believers are cool. My favourite videos are the Mac/PC parody ads. You might not know this, but true believers don't call themselves "Christians" anymore. We're known as "Christ-followers". Christians are losers. Just check this out:



Or this:



I encourage you to go to this site and learn more about Christ-followers. It's definitely what Jesus would do. In the meantime, I'll be on the street corners with the prostitutes, telling them who is going to heaven and who is not.

The only serious post on this blog

Reader-Submitted Question: Uh, you know Uriel? Are you making fun of me? Do you really think this is what I believe?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. How delicious.

Here's the thing with Uriel: She's not real. Her distinguishing feature is that she believes that she alone knows what God wants. See how different this is from what you believe? Oh, you don't see a difference? Well, that changes things.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I adore the Uriel character, but it takes time to work up that level of anger, so I don't do much of her. Don't worry: she's not Catholic or Anglican. I don't see her as belonging to any organized religion other than perhaps a fundamentalist group that meets only on the Internet.

The scariest part is that I haven't made up anything she says. Every statement she makes is similar to things I've read or heard others say. Same with her attitude -- she's not even among the worst I've seen. Uriel hates everyone in the world who disagrees with her interpretation of her holy book, and she takes great pleasure in imagining their eventual demise. Her only regret is that she won't be around to witness it, because she (naturally) will be among the saved.

I have to be pretty mad about someone's hypocrisy to do a Uriel post, so there aren't many of them.

Although I think of the character as female, I stole her name from a male archangel. Uriel's not named in the Bible, but is thought to be the angel with the flaming sword outside the Garden of Eden. He also holds the keys to hell. I'm sure you can see why the name is appropriate.

Now you ask if I think this is what you personally believe. Since this blog's readership is limited, I'm going to venture a guess that it's not. But don't kid yourself into thinking that others don't think this way. And yes, I am making fun of them. And yes, they do deserve it.

Lobbying

Greetings, godless sodomites:

Yes, it's been a while, and we have been hard at work here in the true remnant. In the middle of your life's journey, you may find yourself lost in a dark wood. That must really be awful for you. I, of course, am high on the Spirit.

I've been alerted to a terrifying poem called the Divine Comedy. Yes, DIVINE. What arrogance. Only God can decide what's divine. (He tells me what he thinks, so you can trust my interpretation.) Anyway, beyond this repugnant title, I am particularly disturbed by the fact that in this poem, not all of the godless sinners are in hell, where they belong. No, some of them are just OUTSIDE hell, in a vestibule of some type. I think you can see that it is time for some serious lobby work. (LMK-i-A's note: HAHAHAHAHA.)

This is particularly relevant now, as our governments consider providing the cervical-cancer vaccine to schoolchildren. As I think we all know, this vaccine changes children from virtuous angels into whores. I have already discussed the reasons why rubber gloves and safety equipment are leading us to hell. But now I think that compared with the destruction that vaccines have brought upon us, rubber gloves might just send people to Limbo instead. I am so horrified that I can barely type, but I will push through my anguish for the good of the saved. If one of the faithful were to be swayed, I don't know if I could stand the agony. Of course, I am secure in the knowledge that this agony would be much less than what you all are going to have to deal with in hell, so I'm sure I'll manage. But didn't you feel sorry for me? I sure did.

These radical doctors have held our society hostage for far too long. Did you know that they now vaccinate INFANTS? Yes! They do this against the child's will. Parents are subjected to scare tactics like threats that their kids won't be allowed into school. Meanwhile, so-called "public-health nurses" are injecting children with substances that will protect them against diseases like:

• HPV, which causes cancer of the cervix and penis. PERVERTS! Anyone who has HPV probably deserves to get cancer. I definitely won't be vaccinating my kids against it. There's such a thing as God's punishment, you know.
• Influenza, which causes respiratory complications and death. PERVERTS! Cover your mouth when you cough. Wash your hands a lot. See how easy that was? If you get the vaccine, you will think you are safe, and you will probably go around licking doorknobs.
• Tetanus, which kills more than half of the people who get it. PERVERTS! What are you doing with cuts on your body, anyway? Cover your wounds. Then you won't have to worry about tetanus. God just told me that this is his punishment for people who step on rusty nails. It's GOD'S WILL, folks.
• Meningitis, which causes kidney damage, paralysis, scars and death. PERVERTS! What, are you drinking other people's spit or something? Here in the true remnant, we never share water bottles. That's because we don't want to have to get this vaccine -- we are sure that if we got the shot, we would turn into whacked-out freaks with spit fetishes. We would probably think that we were safe, and we all know what happens when people think they're safe.

You disgust me. Not that this is anything new.