Top Five Reasons We Can't Let The Atheists Win 2008, No Matter What

Greetings, ye who shall go down alive into the grave:

2007 is over. It's been a long year. Today I present the Top Five Reasons We Can't Let The Atheists Win 2008, No Matter What. Sure, it's a bit too long to fit on a T-shirt, but it was dictated directly by God, so I didn't change one jot or tittle. Also, some people (who will be turned into salt) have complained that the heathen standard is a "top 10" list. I say if five is good enough for the creator of the world, who needs ten? Nobody, that's who.

5. Atheists' Lives Have No Meaning.

As we all know, there is a God. If there wasn't, life would have no meaning. Therefore, there is a God. I can't believe atheists are this dumb. Seriously, it's like they don't want life to mean anything. "Look at me! I'm an atheist! When I die, worms eat my body!" I crack myself up.

4. Atheists Are Stupid.

We can't let stupid people win. The facts support the creation account, not fairy tales. Duuuuh. It's like they believe there was nothing, which exploded and made our entire world in 15 billion years. Wait a minute: That's EXACTLY what they believe! What duffers! As if a deity couldn't create the universe with the sheer power of his mind and simply make it LOOK like it took all that time. Dinosaur fossils: Just there to trick the atheists!

3. Atheists Take Everything On Blind Faith.

Science is just WORDS WRITTEN IN A BOOK. Written by humans! And it changes all the time! It's always changing! Now, you tell me which you prefer: Science, which changes all the time and you never know what's really true and nobody really understands, or God's word, which never changes and is ALWAYS right and gives me my certainty that I am personally going to watch you suffer eternal flames? I know which one I'll be choosing.

2. Atheists Can't Get Their Stories Straight.

Evolution is a lie. I know this because it's in my holy book. Atheists are so busy trying to make up so-called "natural laws" that they've forgotten to make sure that they all agree. Which is it, hmmm? Is it Mendelian inheritance or natural selection? It can't be both. Oh, and is punctuated equilibrium correct or not? Hmmm? I don't understand these things, and neither do you. Even the atheists don't agree! Meanwhile, my holy book hasn't changed at all and is easy to understand. Who needs natural laws when you've got God's law? Nobody, that's who.

1. I Am Right, And I Know It.

Put that on a T-shirt! That'll fit.