Sunday, June 3, 2007

Excuses, excuses

Greetings, ye who will be put to death with your households:

As if anyone needed even one reason to avoid their sacred duty to spread the good news, our so-called "friends" at GodTube have now provided EIGHT reasons. Not only that, but they've illustrated their heretical argument with a little play. Acting is a tool of Satan.

These people are like yeast. I haven't been vigilant enough: I should have asked G-d to strike them with plague long ago, but I waited. Yes, this is my fault, but fortunately I'm forgiven.

The signs are all around us. There is even a movement at my church to use wine instead of Kool-Aid. Yes, you heard me. How degenerate. Judges 13:4 tells us in no uncertain terms to drink no wine or fermented drink. I plan to smite their loins until they rise no more.

My religion is the most tolerant and loving one in existence, and my own God is the only one that's real. I know this because it's in the Bible, which also states that every word in the Bible is true. No other religion can say that about its holy book. Therefore, my religion is the right one.

I have an obligation to spread the good news: that's why this blog exists. If I didn't have this blog, I'd be reduced to pamphleteering, and that's just not a good use of my time when I could be putting my energy into passing judgment on sorcerers and adulterers. This is why I was so pleased when GodTube launched. Finally, a website where people from my church could feel comfortable! We are so busy fighting off the twin menaces of gay marriage and clothing made of blended fibers that we really need a place to kick back. We used to go there to talk about how great it will be to watch the rest of you as you are seared by the intense heat but still refuse to repent.

And now I see that even GodTube has been corrupted. This will be a lesson to me: I must see to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

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