Sunday, June 10, 2007

Help Wanted: Apply Within

Greetings, ye who touch the carcasses of unclean wild animals:

I did not think it would come to this, but some of the perverts who read this holy blog raised some concerns about my last post. Apparently, I took Judges 13:4 out of context, and there are plenty of verses in the Bible that say it's OK to drink wine. I intend to keep drinking the Kool-Aid, but there are consequences. This means I have to put more effort into my own salvation. Not much more effort, of course, but it does mean I'll try to read more than one verse at a time.

And I'm not the only one. I'm going to need help, because until I started reading Leviticus, I was not aware that there are so many unclean things out there. Normally I would not debase myself by asking for help from sorcerers and pagans (I usually turn to the courts to force the heathens to do what I want) but there is no time to file legal papers. I need volunteers now. I can't do all of the picketing by myself.

First, I'm going to need everyone to take an oath of fealty. Do it now. Right now. Really quickly, before you have time to think about it. AHA! Gotcha! Now you are guilty. You have to help me. Sucks to be you, eh? What's that? You say you didn't know this was a bad thing? Boy oh boy, it's too bad for you that you didn't read the Bible enough. And you know what happens to guilty people? They go into the lake of fire. This isn't actually in Leviticus, because it was the Gentle Lamb of God who came up with the idea of torturing people after they were dead, but I know it's true anyway. I don't need lots of fancy references. This is why you have to read the WHOLE Bible, see? If you just read the Old Testament, you would think that the worst punishment you could get would be execution, unless God remembered to curse your unlucky descendants. If you keep reading, you'll see that the true genius of the New Testament is the concept of eternal punishment. Those guys were way ahead of their time.

One way to get out of the lake of fire is to help me to spread the gospel. I need you to split into four groups.

Group #1:
I was going to ask you to stand outside City Hall to make sure they didn't issue any licenses to businesses that pay workers weekly or biweekly, but I've decided that I can take this over in addition to my gay-marriage duties. Go ahead and thank me. I am just that dedicated. In addition to making sure that the city clerk doesn't issue marriage licenses to gay couples, I will check the business plans of every entrepreneur who shows up. They are not allowed to hold back wages overnight. It's in the Bible.

No, I need you to picket the county fair. It has come to my attention that they sell all sorts of unclean animals for food, like rabbits, pork sausages and shellfish. I am starting to think that pork is better than shellfish, because the pork is just unclean, while the shellfish is actually an abomination. I throw that word around a lot myself, so I know it's serious. While you're at it, I need you to petition the international scientific community to accept that bats are actually birds. When they ask for proof, just pull out your Bible.

Group #2:

This is going to be difficult. I need you to split up and picket dermatologists' offices. You have to force them out of business. We don't need them anymore; we have Leviticus 13 & 14. The sooner they turn this job over to the priests, the better it will be for all of us. And when I say "all of us", I really mean "me".

Group #3:
You're going to be responsible for shunning people who clip the edges off their beards, get tattoos, or cut their sideburns. This is going to be quite a job, because some people get tattoos in parts of their bodies that are covered by clothes. So you're going to have to start uncovering nakedness, but men can't uncover the nakedness of certain people. Obviously, the men are going to have to wrestle people to the ground, then look away while women strip people to look for tattoos.

Group #4:
You need to help me finish the book of Leviticus. Who wrote this thing, anyway? I mean, I know it was G-d, that's a given, but MAN, where are the exciting stories? Wasn't this supposed to be the same author as Revelation? After he incinerates Aaron's sons for bringing the wrong incense, nothing really interesting happens. Well, unless you count the constant judgment, which is always good for a children's bedtime story, but I can't say that I find it particularly inspiring. I need something to get behind.

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