Top Five Reasons We Can't Let The Atheists Win 2008, No Matter What

Greetings, ye who shall go down alive into the grave:

2007 is over. It's been a long year. Today I present the Top Five Reasons We Can't Let The Atheists Win 2008, No Matter What. Sure, it's a bit too long to fit on a T-shirt, but it was dictated directly by God, so I didn't change one jot or tittle. Also, some people (who will be turned into salt) have complained that the heathen standard is a "top 10" list. I say if five is good enough for the creator of the world, who needs ten? Nobody, that's who.

5. Atheists' Lives Have No Meaning.

As we all know, there is a God. If there wasn't, life would have no meaning. Therefore, there is a God. I can't believe atheists are this dumb. Seriously, it's like they don't want life to mean anything. "Look at me! I'm an atheist! When I die, worms eat my body!" I crack myself up.

4. Atheists Are Stupid.

We can't let stupid people win. The facts support the creation account, not fairy tales. Duuuuh. It's like they believe there was nothing, which exploded and made our entire world in 15 billion years. Wait a minute: That's EXACTLY what they believe! What duffers! As if a deity couldn't create the universe with the sheer power of his mind and simply make it LOOK like it took all that time. Dinosaur fossils: Just there to trick the atheists!

3. Atheists Take Everything On Blind Faith.

Science is just WORDS WRITTEN IN A BOOK. Written by humans! And it changes all the time! It's always changing! Now, you tell me which you prefer: Science, which changes all the time and you never know what's really true and nobody really understands, or God's word, which never changes and is ALWAYS right and gives me my certainty that I am personally going to watch you suffer eternal flames? I know which one I'll be choosing.

2. Atheists Can't Get Their Stories Straight.

Evolution is a lie. I know this because it's in my holy book. Atheists are so busy trying to make up so-called "natural laws" that they've forgotten to make sure that they all agree. Which is it, hmmm? Is it Mendelian inheritance or natural selection? It can't be both. Oh, and is punctuated equilibrium correct or not? Hmmm? I don't understand these things, and neither do you. Even the atheists don't agree! Meanwhile, my holy book hasn't changed at all and is easy to understand. Who needs natural laws when you've got God's law? Nobody, that's who.

1. I Am Right, And I Know It.

Put that on a T-shirt! That'll fit.

Uriel 1, Pagans -- well, do we HAVE to give them a number?

Friends, I am pleased to announce a partial victory in the War On Me.

As you know, some people write books that I disagree with. Other people write books that I used to like, but now hate because I found out that the author isn’t a member of my religion.

So I’m happy to announce that a Toronto school board has banned His Dark Materials from its school libraries. These books are not in line with my values, even though I didn’t realize it the first time I read them. Clearly, they must be pulled from the school shelves. Big Government shouldn’t be forcing children to read these books, even if, technically, they weren’t being forced to read them. Making them available is basically the same thing as forcing innocent children to sin.

My critics are heathens and atheists. Libraries can’t possibly include every book: they have limited budgets. They have to be prudent about which books they buy. Therefore, removing this book that they already had on their shelves will actually save tax dollars. I read that somewhere.

However, this is just a partial victory. Removing the books from the library only protects children while they are in school. What about after school?

I’m calling for volunteers to do a house-by-house search. These books must be destroyed. I cannot believe that they make my religion look authoritarian. We DO NOT throw our weight around and demand that other people follow our religion! They can be as heathen as they want, as long as I don’t find out about it.

Finally, someone who's not afraid to tell it like it is

Are you sick of so-called celebrities deciding that your religion is all about "peace" and "equality"? Me too.

I can hear you from here: Amen, sister! Those perverts have watered down our religion until it's practically meaningless! I mean, ANYONE could be nice to other people! What's religious about that? Nothing, that's what. Religion is all about knowing who's in and who's out (of hell, that is). If everyone can get in, where does that leave me?

That's why I'm so glad I got a special message directly from the Lord telling me that YouTube is OK for anointed saints like myself (but NOT for perverts like you). I have finally been able to connect with other people who are almost as holy as I am. I'm presenting one of my favourites here as a public service. GodHatesFags111 is out there ACTUALLY DOING the things the heathens just talk about. And they're doing it in harmony and rhyme.

I definitely recommend watching this video several times. I personally was seized with the Spirit and rolled on the floor, unable to control myself. That's evidence even the heathens should be able to accept.

Beware the helmeted heathens

Greetings, ye who will be turned into pillars of salt:

Leave me alone. Yes, it's been a long time, but I've been busy. You perverts have no idea how hard it is to be me.

We godly ones have been working hard to fight the powers of evil. You will not believe it, but City Council wants to create a helmet bylaw for cyclists. YES. I was horrified too.

OK, so they don't really want to do this, in the strict sense that technically, they voted it down, but SOME people on City Council wanted to do it, and that's good enough for me.

I don't know how many times I am going to have to say this. HELMETS LEAD TO IMMORALITY. They make people think they are safe, and we all know what happens when people think they are safe. I would rather see everyone die in car crashes than see a single person on a bike wearing a helmet.

True fact: People who wear helmets are twice as likely to die of syphilis. That's a fact. I read it somewhere.

True fact: People with syphilis are going straight into the lake of fire. That's also a fact. You can check that one out in your Bible. That's the big thick book you hide your so-called "marriage certificate" in.

Friends, this one was close. I don't think you realise how much danger we were all in. We cannot have Big Government imposing its disgusting values on our children.

Really good science

This looks familiar

The best thing about being in personal contact with God is that I always know that whatever I'm thinking is right. Never question me. I have all of the answers, even if your puny mind can't handle it.

It is the sound of singing that I hear

I'm the very model of a crazy evangelical,
Condemning everything I hate or demonize unbiblical
I'm waiting, breathing, teaching, screaming, still apocalyptical
And reject any suggestion that I'm comical or clinical
I'm very well acquainted, too, with all good things political
No need to ask: you ought to know I'm never quite theatrical
And we all know I'm better than you -- let's give up this silly ruse
With many cheerful facts about your punishments (I must enthuse)