Yet Another Atheist Plot

Some random pervert has entered my name in the Best NWT Blogs contest. It is so typical of atheists. Really, do we NEED a contest? I don't think so. Other blogs might be more interesting, but this one is much, much holier.

In fact, I am thinking about picketing the contest. If I could figure out how to set up a picket line in cyberspace, I would already be there. I don't need to be in the same list as perverts and sodomites. OH YES, THERE ARE PERVERTS AND SODOMITES.

The land will vomit them out

How TYPICAL of the atheists to come up with something like this. They disgust me. Not that this is anything NEW, of course.

Listen up, atheists. There is NO EVIDENCE for a flying spaghetti monster. You can tell that I'm telling the truth, because I used the caps lock.

On the other hand, my religion is 100% real, and I am prepared to prove it, right here and right now. Get ready to be bowled over from the shock of finally seeing the light.

1. I exist, and you exist. Therefore, something must have made us. That's God. (Uriel 1, Atheists 0.)

2. If God did not exist, I would be a murderer. I know this. The only thing stopping me from committing atrocities is the knowledge that there is a God. (You can't make up evidence like this. Uriel 2, Atheists 0.)

3. My holy book is true. I can prove this through many, many lines in my holy book that all state that my holy book is true. On the other hand, you've got no holy book at all. What, you DON'T have thousands of years' worth of tradition on your side? (Uriel 3, Atheists 0.)

4. You just hate God. I knew that was your real problem. Don't worry. God hates you, too! (Uriel 4, Atheists 0.)

5. Wait a minute. I don't need to finish the list. You're going to see that I'm right soon enough. Your perverted lifestyle only leads to one thing, after all.

The No-Sin Zone

It has come to my attention that perverts and sodomites read this blog. This is partly good, because there's nothing better than imagining the eventual downfall of a pervert or a sodomite, but partly bad. What if they swayed the faithful? It's one thing to watch someone else get tortured with fire for all eternity, but it's quite another to be personally tortured with fire for all eternity. I mean, eternity's a long time. A REALLY long time. I definitely wouldn't want that for myself.

So I am declaring this blog a NO-SIN ZONE. Only members of my church will be allowed to stay. That means you're not invited. You can go play in the road.

Are all of the perverts gone yet?

On to the good stuff!

Why must they ask these questions?

I am filled with righteous indignation, even more than usual. You see, my co-religionist Ray Comfort is getting a lot of angry comments from people who are just going to hell anyway. I'm not sure why we bother with them, but, at least in this life, they do seem rather loud.

You'll remember Ray, the keen scientific mind who developed an ironclad proof for the existence of God:


Well, Ray has apparently stirred up a lot of controversy by saying that God tortures Holocaust victims. This is not just something he's tossed off without thinking: he challenges readers to think about whether free salvation should be limited to people who died in German concentration camps, or could be available to people who died under communism or in car crashes. For some reason, this has upset the atheists. It's nothing compared to how upset they'll be after they die and discover that they were wrong, but WHAT. EVER.

I'd like to point out that this entire freak show is entirely the atheists' fault. They asked Ray if Jews would go to hell. He tried to duck the question, and then decided to answer. It's not as if those pesky atheists didn't already KNOW what Ray would say. It's as if they're surprised or something. No, this is all their fault.

Listen, atheists: Nobody is forcing you to listen to Ray Comfort. If he's preaching on the street, just take a different road. Don't ask him questions and then get all upset at the answers.

Amen, brother Edward!

Now Their Failure Is Complete

I have succeeded in getting this blog listed on NWTBlogs.com. This opens up new evangelizing opportunities for me. I wasn't sure at first if I would be listed, but I did my best to be polite. I started by praying that G-d would add me to the site directly, so I wouldn't have to sully my sent-mail folder with any messages to heathens. Then I beat my breast and spat on a few atheists. When that didn't work, I contacted the site administrators. I figure this can count as my visit with prostitutes:

Greetings, perverts and sodomites,

It has come to my attention that you have a directory of blogs from the NWT. I write from my post guarding the Garden of Eden, but my ISP is in Yellowknife, so I suppose that's close enough. The Garden of Eden is not really a physical place, anyway.

I think that if you add me to this directory, it will be a great evangelizing tool. For me. Not so much for you. I'm definitely praying for you, though. Not that it's likely to do any good, mind you, but I always feel good about myself when I pray for heathens. It just gives me an added boost to know how much better I am than the rest of you.

Uriel

Lo and behold, my direct appeal worked! Now I have access to all of the site's readers! I'm sure they will be impressed by my holiness.

Remember, G-d CHOOSES who will be saved. It's not too late for you, though. I'm reaching out to atheists through this holy blog. Just part of my daily self-flagellation. That's how difficult this is for me. Imagining your ultimate pain and suffering is really hard, but it makes me feel better to know that you'll actually have to live through it.

Finally, a movie for people from my church!

I am TOTALLY going to see this movie. In fact, I think I'll hold a screening at my church. It's about time there was a major motion picture for people in my religion. We are always shut out of the movies. Nobody cares about us, so most movies are made for atheists. That's why I spend so much time picketing Lucasfilm.

I've known it all along, but I really just needed a celebrity like Ben Stein to spell it out for me. This evilution debate is really about freedom of speech. I should be allowed to preach my religion to children in public schools and call it science. Otherwise, the scientists will be restricting my freedom of speech. I am pretty sure I'll be able to take this one to the Supreme Court.

What a bunch of morons those scientists are! They actually think that people came from mud animated by lightning! Idiots. We all know that people DID come from mud, but there was no lightning involved, only God's will. Their explanation makes no sense at all. Have you ever seen lightning create life? I didn't think so. Now, look around you and see all of the beautiful plants and animals God has created. Checkmate, atheists!

I'm with Ben. If you're an atheist, that's totally fine with me. Go ahead and jump right into the lake of fire. If I tried to stop you, that would make me a Nazi. I've always liked to compare my critics to Nazis, but now that a celebrity is doing it, I know it's really the thing to do. You see, I am an enlightened person. Not like those scientists. In fact, some scientists worked for the Nazis, whereas nobody from my church ever had anything to do with the Third Reich. And if they did, they weren't really part of my church. They were probably atheists who just claimed to be members of my church to make me look bad.

Ben is such a revolutionary. His movie might even make you lose your job! That's how hard-core he is. He's fighting against The Man. Darwinists are unethical, and it's because evilution is the foundation of an immoral worldview. They'll do whatever it takes to push their atheism on small children. I MUST be allowed to teach those children my religion as science, and everything that I think challenges my religion should be banned from public schools. Evilution is a wedge issue. I've also heard that some so-called "scientists" are now claiming that the sun is a star. I KNOW that's not in my holy book, so it's obviously a pack of lies.

You see where this is leading. Friends, we must band together to fight this battle. Of course, I'm taking donations.