Now Their Failure Is Complete

I have succeeded in getting this blog listed on NWTBlogs.com. This opens up new evangelizing opportunities for me. I wasn't sure at first if I would be listed, but I did my best to be polite. I started by praying that G-d would add me to the site directly, so I wouldn't have to sully my sent-mail folder with any messages to heathens. Then I beat my breast and spat on a few atheists. When that didn't work, I contacted the site administrators. I figure this can count as my visit with prostitutes:

Greetings, perverts and sodomites,

It has come to my attention that you have a directory of blogs from the NWT. I write from my post guarding the Garden of Eden, but my ISP is in Yellowknife, so I suppose that's close enough. The Garden of Eden is not really a physical place, anyway.

I think that if you add me to this directory, it will be a great evangelizing tool. For me. Not so much for you. I'm definitely praying for you, though. Not that it's likely to do any good, mind you, but I always feel good about myself when I pray for heathens. It just gives me an added boost to know how much better I am than the rest of you.

Uriel

Lo and behold, my direct appeal worked! Now I have access to all of the site's readers! I'm sure they will be impressed by my holiness.

Remember, G-d CHOOSES who will be saved. It's not too late for you, though. I'm reaching out to atheists through this holy blog. Just part of my daily self-flagellation. That's how difficult this is for me. Imagining your ultimate pain and suffering is really hard, but it makes me feel better to know that you'll actually have to live through it.

Finally, a movie for people from my church!

I am TOTALLY going to see this movie. In fact, I think I'll hold a screening at my church. It's about time there was a major motion picture for people in my religion. We are always shut out of the movies. Nobody cares about us, so most movies are made for atheists. That's why I spend so much time picketing Lucasfilm.

I've known it all along, but I really just needed a celebrity like Ben Stein to spell it out for me. This evilution debate is really about freedom of speech. I should be allowed to preach my religion to children in public schools and call it science. Otherwise, the scientists will be restricting my freedom of speech. I am pretty sure I'll be able to take this one to the Supreme Court.

What a bunch of morons those scientists are! They actually think that people came from mud animated by lightning! Idiots. We all know that people DID come from mud, but there was no lightning involved, only God's will. Their explanation makes no sense at all. Have you ever seen lightning create life? I didn't think so. Now, look around you and see all of the beautiful plants and animals God has created. Checkmate, atheists!

I'm with Ben. If you're an atheist, that's totally fine with me. Go ahead and jump right into the lake of fire. If I tried to stop you, that would make me a Nazi. I've always liked to compare my critics to Nazis, but now that a celebrity is doing it, I know it's really the thing to do. You see, I am an enlightened person. Not like those scientists. In fact, some scientists worked for the Nazis, whereas nobody from my church ever had anything to do with the Third Reich. And if they did, they weren't really part of my church. They were probably atheists who just claimed to be members of my church to make me look bad.

Ben is such a revolutionary. His movie might even make you lose your job! That's how hard-core he is. He's fighting against The Man. Darwinists are unethical, and it's because evilution is the foundation of an immoral worldview. They'll do whatever it takes to push their atheism on small children. I MUST be allowed to teach those children my religion as science, and everything that I think challenges my religion should be banned from public schools. Evilution is a wedge issue. I've also heard that some so-called "scientists" are now claiming that the sun is a star. I KNOW that's not in my holy book, so it's obviously a pack of lies.

You see where this is leading. Friends, we must band together to fight this battle. Of course, I'm taking donations.

I am angry and my face is downcast

I am furious. So furious that all of the hair is standing up on my arms.

Apparently the heathens in my town are teaching evolution to students in PUBLIC SCHOOLS. Yes. I could just leap on them and rip their faces off with my bare hands. Some sort of godly force appears to be raging through me. That's definitely what it is.

This is a life-and-death struggle for our children's souls. What's next? Are they going to start teaching that the earth goes around the sun? (If there's one scientific thing I can SEE WITH MY OWN EYES, it's that the earth is the centre of the universe.)

Friends, I know that you are as horrified as I am by this latest news. This used to be something that happened in big cities, but now the shame of so-called "science" is even tainting my own community. It should be about education, not indoctrination. And true education is all about converting people to my religion. Children should be taught to question things that have so-called "scientific evidence" for them and consider alternate ideas, like the ones in my holy book.

Clearly, my picket signs have done nothing to slow the steady creep of materialism. I am actively soliciting ideas from you, my loyal readers. Remember that I will delete your comment if you don't quote from the King James Version, though. We can't have any newfangled ideas around here. We've got enough problems already.

Good riddance to another atheist

I was sad to see that the 90 Day Jane blog has been taken down. As an atheist, Jane had finally figured out that life was not worth living, so she was planning to kill herself in 90 days. I definitely applaud the sentiment. Life WOULDN'T be worth living unless you were a member of my church. Nothing can match the satisfaction I get from imagining your eventual destruction, and if you want to hurry that process along, it's A-O-K with me.

I started to get concerned a few days ago, though. Jane was taking pictures of her town, although why she'd bother is frankly beyond me. Listen up, Jane: If life's not worth living, your atheist photos aren't important either. She said it was a picture of the Hollywood sign, but you could barely see the sign because there was a big glowing cross in the middle of the picture. Yes. I think you know where I'm going with this.

Atheists, I totally believe you when you say that because you're not part of my religion, your lives are meaningless. It's too bad you can't take the extra step and become anointed saints like me. All you have to do is leave the world of fairy tales behind and start believing everything I say.

Goodbye, Jane. It's too bad that you felt you had to take your blog down. I was really looking forward to learning more about your empty life. It would have been a window into the mind of a person who really took atheism seriously. Finally, a logical atheist!

Things are going to change now.

I've been paying off politicians with the money I diverted from the homeless shelter, and you so-called "marriage-rights advocates" are about to get a huge shock. I figured out who's responsible for passing laws in this country, and I ALSO figured out how to get in their pockets! No, perverts, that doesn't mean what you think it means. It means that I'm not afraid to buy off the people in powerful positions. We special-interest groups are the ones with real power, not heathen activists like Maureen Dowd.

I'm not going to come right out and SAY what's going to happen to you, because I sound like a part of the inner circle when I'm really vague. Suffice to say that you should have fun with your "rights" for now, because you won't have them for long. This is MY country and it's going to be run the way I want it to be. I'm not satisfied with having control over the afterlife any more. This is a democracy, and that means I'm in charge. You perverts can't take that away from me.

What would we do without them?

Thank goodness we have the saints at GodHatesFags. As I've said before, they are out there ACTUALLY DOING the things the rest of you perverts just talk about.

Actors are basically Satan. That's why Heath Ledger died. I know this -- for sure! And there's very little that anyone can know for sure. God's the only absolute, after all.

Actually, this sort of thing might be as logically consistent as atheists can get. I've always said that if you don't believe in God, you might as well kill yourself.

And a special message to you atheists out there who HAVEN'T killed yourselves (yet): Please stop sending me e-mails claiming that my religion is wrong. I've already refuted all of your arguments on this blog. For example, the sky is blue. It's GORGEOUS. Therefore, God exists. Checkmate!

Here's another one: The Bible exists. Therefore, someone must have written it. Do you know who wrote it? No, you don't! Therefore, God must have personally written it! Checkmate AGAIN, suckers!

It's almost too easy. You know why? It's because with God all things are possible. Therefore, without God, nothing is possible.

Don't try this at home.

Checkmate, atheists!

Yet more proof that I am right and you perverts are wrong. It feels SO GOOD to know that I share all of my opinions with the creator of the universe. Who could possibly be against me?