The importance of the JPod

Hands up: Who understands that the sole factor in determining a musician's success is the number of satanic references on his CD?

You pathetic idiots. This is obvious to everyone else, including the banana guy. What, you've never played records backwards? I personally have ruined 144 turntables this way, and I'm prepared to ruin more if necessary.

Why can't you see that millions of Slayer fans are just waiting for the secret signal that will turn them into Satan worshippers who seek human sacrifice? This is a real threat. It could happen to anyone.

I think I might be sick. Ozzy Osbourne is a personal hero to millions of teenagers who want to be just like him. I know this is true, because I heard it at church. And it's totally true that Black Sabbath was one of the most popular bands from the late '60s to the turn of the century. G-d only knows how many young people have been corrupted. I mean, they were probably going to hell anyway because they were heathens, but now that I have another reason to be sure that I'm better than the rest of them, I just have to make sure everyone knows about it.

The Church of Satan is disgusting to me. Plus, they don't have anything new to say. My religious principles are much more current, because they haven't changed at all in the last 6000 years. Don't try to argue with me. I know I'm right. If you don't agree with me, you'll probably be attacked by terrorists.

I couldn't even watch this video all the way through. I was so horrified by the images of magazine covers that I had to turn it off. This is what you've done to me. Your world is repulsive and you will get what you deserve.

My church is fabulous, and your life is like a pigsty. I am so much better than you that it's hard for you to even realise it with your puny brain. You think you're just like me, but I know otherwise.

Separate and unequal

Greetings, perverts and sodomites:

It has been a rough week here in the true remnant. You would not believe what has happened. Heathens and sinners want the true believers to use the same parking tickets they use. I know. I was horrified too.

I wasn't sure how to respond at first. You see, the heathens use parking tickets that refer to "vehicles". Pagans! They disgust me. I only pay parking tickets that refer to "chariots of fire". If you're just going to accept that your vehicle is nothing more than an Oldsmobile, you are definitely not one of the true believers.

Everything in my life must be steeped in the Holy Spirit. If I may use the phrase, everything must be permeated with holiness. I am better than the rest of you. I only put up with your presence because otherwise I'd have to pay all the bills by myself.

I demanded separate parking tickets and claimed that the bylaw officers were trampling on my religious freedoms by issuing tickets that didn't refer to godliness. This worked well until I realised that some of the bylaw officers were -- wait for it -- NOT MEMBERS OF MY CHURCH. I know. I was disgusted too. I need to be in charge of the people who enforce the rules. Otherwise, I might not get free parking near my church, and there might not be enough enforcement near the public library. (I've been picketing for months, and the librarians still refuse to get rid of the books about other religions. Don't worry. I will have the last laugh, and it will go on for an eternity.)

So I submitted a formal complaint to the city, demanding that the bylaw officers immediately convert to my religion and start using the "chariot of fire" tickets for ALL vehicles, even the ones driven by heathens. It's for their own good, and it's not like it's hurting them to get a little extra religion in their lives. G-d knows they could use it.

This backfired. Wouldn't you know it, some big-city lawyer got involved and now nobody gets to use the holy traffic tickets! I spend a lot of time being offended, but this takes the cake made of fine flour and mixed with oil.

This is obviously discrimination. I am not being permitted to practise my religion. Trust me, I'm preparing a Charter challenge on this one.

Bringing Jesus Back to my JPod

What's in my jPod?

Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude

Greetings, those who will suffer the punishment of eternal fire:

I am continually disgusted by your perversions and immorality. They are constant fodder for my prayers, which I offer in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men (the more the merrier, I always say).

If I could shut myself off from your hedonistic ways, I certainly would. As that's not possible, I have contented myself with establishing holy counterparts to your wicked, wicked lifestyle. I spit on you.

My new favourite website is an alternative to YouTube. No, I will not provide a link. This is a holy blog. As we all know, YouTube contains many offensive videos. The government should have taken action against this site long ago -- it promotes immorality and devil worship. They will be punished for their sins seven times over, and I will get to watch. Frankly, I can't wait.

The alternative to YouTube is GodTube. It includes videos that prove the existence of God, like this one, which is labelled on the site as "The Atheist's Nightmare":



Strictly for research purposes, I spent some time with prostitutes and tax collectors to conduct some field testing on this video. I'm pleased to report that it truly is the atheist's nightmare. The arguments presented in this video are so compelling that four out of five atheists immediately renounced their evil lifestyles and gave their hearts to the Lord. I made sure to write their names down, so I can get credit for their conversions at the end of days. (I wouldn't want anyone else to steal my Commission -- that's a little joke that sinners like you probably won't get.) The fifth was destined for eternal fire anyway, so I'm not too worried.

This site is proof that believers are cool. My favourite videos are the Mac/PC parody ads. You might not know this, but true believers don't call themselves "Christians" anymore. We're known as "Christ-followers". Christians are losers. Just check this out:



Or this:



I encourage you to go to this site and learn more about Christ-followers. It's definitely what Jesus would do. In the meantime, I'll be on the street corners with the prostitutes, telling them who is going to heaven and who is not.

The only serious post on this blog

Reader-Submitted Question: Uh, you know Uriel? Are you making fun of me? Do you really think this is what I believe?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. How delicious.

Here's the thing with Uriel: She's not real. Her distinguishing feature is that she believes that she alone knows what God wants. See how different this is from what you believe? Oh, you don't see a difference? Well, that changes things.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I adore the Uriel character, but it takes time to work up that level of anger, so I don't do much of her. Don't worry: she's not Catholic or Anglican. I don't see her as belonging to any organized religion other than perhaps a fundamentalist group that meets only on the Internet.

The scariest part is that I haven't made up anything she says. Every statement she makes is similar to things I've read or heard others say. Same with her attitude -- she's not even among the worst I've seen. Uriel hates everyone in the world who disagrees with her interpretation of her holy book, and she takes great pleasure in imagining their eventual demise. Her only regret is that she won't be around to witness it, because she (naturally) will be among the saved.

I have to be pretty mad about someone's hypocrisy to do a Uriel post, so there aren't many of them.

Although I think of the character as female, I stole her name from a male archangel. Uriel's not named in the Bible, but is thought to be the angel with the flaming sword outside the Garden of Eden. He also holds the keys to hell. I'm sure you can see why the name is appropriate.

Now you ask if I think this is what you personally believe. Since this blog's readership is limited, I'm going to venture a guess that it's not. But don't kid yourself into thinking that others don't think this way. And yes, I am making fun of them. And yes, they do deserve it.

Lobbying

Greetings, godless sodomites:

Yes, it's been a while, and we have been hard at work here in the true remnant. In the middle of your life's journey, you may find yourself lost in a dark wood. That must really be awful for you. I, of course, am high on the Spirit.

I've been alerted to a terrifying poem called the Divine Comedy. Yes, DIVINE. What arrogance. Only God can decide what's divine. (He tells me what he thinks, so you can trust my interpretation.) Anyway, beyond this repugnant title, I am particularly disturbed by the fact that in this poem, not all of the godless sinners are in hell, where they belong. No, some of them are just OUTSIDE hell, in a vestibule of some type. I think you can see that it is time for some serious lobby work. (LMK-i-A's note: HAHAHAHAHA.)

This is particularly relevant now, as our governments consider providing the cervical-cancer vaccine to schoolchildren. As I think we all know, this vaccine changes children from virtuous angels into whores. I have already discussed the reasons why rubber gloves and safety equipment are leading us to hell. But now I think that compared with the destruction that vaccines have brought upon us, rubber gloves might just send people to Limbo instead. I am so horrified that I can barely type, but I will push through my anguish for the good of the saved. If one of the faithful were to be swayed, I don't know if I could stand the agony. Of course, I am secure in the knowledge that this agony would be much less than what you all are going to have to deal with in hell, so I'm sure I'll manage. But didn't you feel sorry for me? I sure did.

These radical doctors have held our society hostage for far too long. Did you know that they now vaccinate INFANTS? Yes! They do this against the child's will. Parents are subjected to scare tactics like threats that their kids won't be allowed into school. Meanwhile, so-called "public-health nurses" are injecting children with substances that will protect them against diseases like:

• HPV, which causes cancer of the cervix and penis. PERVERTS! Anyone who has HPV probably deserves to get cancer. I definitely won't be vaccinating my kids against it. There's such a thing as God's punishment, you know.
• Influenza, which causes respiratory complications and death. PERVERTS! Cover your mouth when you cough. Wash your hands a lot. See how easy that was? If you get the vaccine, you will think you are safe, and you will probably go around licking doorknobs.
• Tetanus, which kills more than half of the people who get it. PERVERTS! What are you doing with cuts on your body, anyway? Cover your wounds. Then you won't have to worry about tetanus. God just told me that this is his punishment for people who step on rusty nails. It's GOD'S WILL, folks.
• Meningitis, which causes kidney damage, paralysis, scars and death. PERVERTS! What, are you drinking other people's spit or something? Here in the true remnant, we never share water bottles. That's because we don't want to have to get this vaccine -- we are sure that if we got the shot, we would turn into whacked-out freaks with spit fetishes. We would probably think that we were safe, and we all know what happens when people think they're safe.

You disgust me. Not that this is anything new.