Tell me more, tell me more

It occurs to me that it has been a while since I took any testimonies. This has led to a very uncomfortable situation. For me. Not so much for you. But really, this religion is all about ME and the way I feel.

I think it's best when I know what's going on in your life. That way, I can add my prayers to yours. And it's important that my prayers be as specific as possible. You see, you're not as devout as I am, so when you pray about your problems, it's not as good as when I help out. How am I supposed to do that if I don't know your secrets?

So, tell me: What can I pray for you about?

The sharp, double-edged sword

Greetings, ye who eat food sacrificed to idols:

I admit it.

I was momentarily confused by the fast-talking evilutionists. It seemed like they might have evidence for what I now see is a plainly ridiculous theory.

But then I spent some more time on the Internet, where someone told me that evolution is a religion.

I TOTALLY GET IT NOW. Evolution really IS a religion! Therefore, I can mock it and be sure that it's not real.

Yes, I hear your complaints. You never stop, do you?

I mean that OTHER religions aren't real. Mine is 100% true. That's why it's OK for me to insult other people by saying that they are religious. They're not religious in the exact way that I am, so they're wrong.

Try to keep up, would you?

I'm back!

Friends, it has been a long time, but these have been busy days.

I have been conducting scientific research to figure out if my religion is the real one. If it is, I can still be assured of eternal happiness, while you perverts and sodomites will be assured of eternal damnation.

I have conducted the following experiments:

• I stepped on all of the cracks in the sidewalk. So far, my mother's back remains unbroken.
• I looked really, really carefully at a photo of a rock that looked like it was a fossil of a human footprint underneath a dinosaur footprint. It looked real to me!
• I prayed that if my religion was real, I would get some sort of sign. The next morning when I woke up, one of the flowers in my garden had bloomed.

This is the sort of evidence that cannot be made up. Obviously, my religion is the correct one.

You atheists don't know what you have coming to you. Fortunately, I do.