I am angry and my face is downcast

I am furious. So furious that all of the hair is standing up on my arms.

Apparently the heathens in my town are teaching evolution to students in PUBLIC SCHOOLS. Yes. I could just leap on them and rip their faces off with my bare hands. Some sort of godly force appears to be raging through me. That's definitely what it is.

This is a life-and-death struggle for our children's souls. What's next? Are they going to start teaching that the earth goes around the sun? (If there's one scientific thing I can SEE WITH MY OWN EYES, it's that the earth is the centre of the universe.)

Friends, I know that you are as horrified as I am by this latest news. This used to be something that happened in big cities, but now the shame of so-called "science" is even tainting my own community. It should be about education, not indoctrination. And true education is all about converting people to my religion. Children should be taught to question things that have so-called "scientific evidence" for them and consider alternate ideas, like the ones in my holy book.

Clearly, my picket signs have done nothing to slow the steady creep of materialism. I am actively soliciting ideas from you, my loyal readers. Remember that I will delete your comment if you don't quote from the King James Version, though. We can't have any newfangled ideas around here. We've got enough problems already.

Good riddance to another atheist

I was sad to see that the 90 Day Jane blog has been taken down. As an atheist, Jane had finally figured out that life was not worth living, so she was planning to kill herself in 90 days. I definitely applaud the sentiment. Life WOULDN'T be worth living unless you were a member of my church. Nothing can match the satisfaction I get from imagining your eventual destruction, and if you want to hurry that process along, it's A-O-K with me.

I started to get concerned a few days ago, though. Jane was taking pictures of her town, although why she'd bother is frankly beyond me. Listen up, Jane: If life's not worth living, your atheist photos aren't important either. She said it was a picture of the Hollywood sign, but you could barely see the sign because there was a big glowing cross in the middle of the picture. Yes. I think you know where I'm going with this.

Atheists, I totally believe you when you say that because you're not part of my religion, your lives are meaningless. It's too bad you can't take the extra step and become anointed saints like me. All you have to do is leave the world of fairy tales behind and start believing everything I say.

Goodbye, Jane. It's too bad that you felt you had to take your blog down. I was really looking forward to learning more about your empty life. It would have been a window into the mind of a person who really took atheism seriously. Finally, a logical atheist!

Things are going to change now.

I've been paying off politicians with the money I diverted from the homeless shelter, and you so-called "marriage-rights advocates" are about to get a huge shock. I figured out who's responsible for passing laws in this country, and I ALSO figured out how to get in their pockets! No, perverts, that doesn't mean what you think it means. It means that I'm not afraid to buy off the people in powerful positions. We special-interest groups are the ones with real power, not heathen activists like Maureen Dowd.

I'm not going to come right out and SAY what's going to happen to you, because I sound like a part of the inner circle when I'm really vague. Suffice to say that you should have fun with your "rights" for now, because you won't have them for long. This is MY country and it's going to be run the way I want it to be. I'm not satisfied with having control over the afterlife any more. This is a democracy, and that means I'm in charge. You perverts can't take that away from me.