Greetings, godless sodomites:
Well, we all know how the election went. There can only be one conclusion. Clearly, the kingdom of God is at hand.
Yes, indeed. The rapture is close. 144,000 of us are going to heaven. The other 6 billion of you, along with billions of others who’ve already died, are going to burn. Get ready for fire, smoke and sulfur. The birds will gorge themselves on your flesh, and you will be tormented day and night forever.
But now is not the time for rejoicing. No, now is the time for planning. Obviously, someone is going to have to take over the blog after the rapture, because I won’t be around. Fortunately, we know that there will be a period of time after I’m taken up into heaven but before you burn in everlasting fire. That’s the time we must plan for, my friends.
I am now taking applications from people who are likely to burn. And let’s face it, just running the numbers, odds are that you’re one of them. I want to hear why you think you would be a good candidate to take over the blog after I’m taken up on a cloud for eternal rejoicing. And I don’t want to hear any wussy stuff about how you wear clothing woven with two types of cloth. I need to know you are really serious about staying on the earth during the end times AND keeping a record of your miseries. You’ll be dodging locusts, worshiping demons and gnawing your tongue in agony. What a fun time for you!
I’ll get you set up with water, canned goods and a lamp. You’ll need these things, because the water is going to turn to blood, the plants will be burned up, and the sky is going to go dark. There’s nothing in the Bible about losing your Internet connection, though, so that should be OK.
Taking applications starting…NOW.