Yeah, what that guy said!

So I went over to that evil of the modern world, YouTube, and I searched for my favourite topic. And lo and behold! Look what popped up!

This is called Satan's Tool: The Truth About Contemporary Christian Music. I'm starting to think that perhaps I was wrong about YouTube. Any website that would include a video that is so quick to judge others can't be all bad.

Listen to this guy. He is telling you how to know if music is holy or not. Some of you heathens probably think that the lyrics can tell you if a song is about G-d. Well, that's where you're wrong.

Help Wanted: Apply Within

Greetings, ye who touch the carcasses of unclean wild animals:

I did not think it would come to this, but some of the perverts who read this holy blog raised some concerns about my last post. Apparently, I took Judges 13:4 out of context, and there are plenty of verses in the Bible that say it's OK to drink wine. I intend to keep drinking the Kool-Aid, but there are consequences. This means I have to put more effort into my own salvation. Not much more effort, of course, but it does mean I'll try to read more than one verse at a time.

And I'm not the only one. I'm going to need help, because until I started reading Leviticus, I was not aware that there are so many unclean things out there. Normally I would not debase myself by asking for help from sorcerers and pagans (I usually turn to the courts to force the heathens to do what I want) but there is no time to file legal papers. I need volunteers now. I can't do all of the picketing by myself.

First, I'm going to need everyone to take an oath of fealty. Do it now. Right now. Really quickly, before you have time to think about it. AHA! Gotcha! Now you are guilty. You have to help me. Sucks to be you, eh? What's that? You say you didn't know this was a bad thing? Boy oh boy, it's too bad for you that you didn't read the Bible enough. And you know what happens to guilty people? They go into the lake of fire. This isn't actually in Leviticus, because it was the Gentle Lamb of God who came up with the idea of torturing people after they were dead, but I know it's true anyway. I don't need lots of fancy references. This is why you have to read the WHOLE Bible, see? If you just read the Old Testament, you would think that the worst punishment you could get would be execution, unless God remembered to curse your unlucky descendants. If you keep reading, you'll see that the true genius of the New Testament is the concept of eternal punishment. Those guys were way ahead of their time.

One way to get out of the lake of fire is to help me to spread the gospel. I need you to split into four groups.

Group #1:
I was going to ask you to stand outside City Hall to make sure they didn't issue any licenses to businesses that pay workers weekly or biweekly, but I've decided that I can take this over in addition to my gay-marriage duties. Go ahead and thank me. I am just that dedicated. In addition to making sure that the city clerk doesn't issue marriage licenses to gay couples, I will check the business plans of every entrepreneur who shows up. They are not allowed to hold back wages overnight. It's in the Bible.

No, I need you to picket the county fair. It has come to my attention that they sell all sorts of unclean animals for food, like rabbits, pork sausages and shellfish. I am starting to think that pork is better than shellfish, because the pork is just unclean, while the shellfish is actually an abomination. I throw that word around a lot myself, so I know it's serious. While you're at it, I need you to petition the international scientific community to accept that bats are actually birds. When they ask for proof, just pull out your Bible.

Group #2:
This is going to be difficult. I need you to split up and picket dermatologists' offices. You have to force them out of business. We don't need them anymore; we have Leviticus 13 & 14. The sooner they turn this job over to the priests, the better it will be for all of us. And when I say "all of us", I really mean "me".

Group #3:
You're going to be responsible for shunning people who clip the edges off their beards, get tattoos, or cut their sideburns. This is going to be quite a job, because some people get tattoos in parts of their bodies that are covered by clothes. So you're going to have to start uncovering nakedness, but men can't uncover the nakedness of certain people. Obviously, the men are going to have to wrestle people to the ground, then look away while women strip people to look for tattoos.

Group #4:
You need to help me finish the book of Leviticus. Who wrote this thing, anyway? I mean, I know it was G-d, that's a given, but MAN, where are the exciting stories? Wasn't this supposed to be the same author as Revelation? After he incinerates Aaron's sons for bringing the wrong incense, nothing really interesting happens. Well, unless you count the constant judgment, which is always good for a children's bedtime story, but I can't say that I find it particularly inspiring. I need something to get behind.

Excuses, excuses

Greetings, ye who will be put to death with your households:

As if anyone needed even one reason to avoid their sacred duty to spread the good news, our so-called "friends" at GodTube have now provided EIGHT reasons. Not only that, but they've illustrated their heretical argument with a little play. Acting is a tool of Satan.

These people are like yeast. I haven't been vigilant enough: I should have asked G-d to strike them with plague long ago, but I waited. Yes, this is my fault, but fortunately I'm forgiven.

The signs are all around us. There is even a movement at my church to use wine instead of Kool-Aid. Yes, you heard me. How degenerate. Judges 13:4 tells us in no uncertain terms to drink no wine or fermented drink. I plan to smite their loins until they rise no more.

My religion is the most tolerant and loving one in existence, and my own God is the only one that's real. I know this because it's in the Bible, which also states that every word in the Bible is true. No other religion can say that about its holy book. Therefore, my religion is the right one.

I have an obligation to spread the good news: that's why this blog exists. If I didn't have this blog, I'd be reduced to pamphleteering, and that's just not a good use of my time when I could be putting my energy into passing judgment on sorcerers and adulterers. This is why I was so pleased when GodTube launched. Finally, a website where people from my church could feel comfortable! We are so busy fighting off the twin menaces of gay marriage and clothing made of blended fibers that we really need a place to kick back. We used to go there to talk about how great it will be to watch the rest of you as you are seared by the intense heat but still refuse to repent.

And now I see that even GodTube has been corrupted. This will be a lesson to me: I must see to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

As if birth control wasn't bad enough already

The sickos and pornographers are back.

Now they want women to be able to choose to not have periods. I'm against this, of course. I think this is blurring the line between male and female. Women should be allowed to have as many children as they want, and this new pill is nothing short of evil.

Since when do we not want babies? I love babies! I want lots of babies! I want everyone to have babies! It's always the perfect time to have babies!

This is playing God. Women need protection from this drug. How many times have you heard from women who WANT to have babies and can't?

This drug is just sick. A woman who doesn't have periods is just like a man. At a minimum, I think that if women are so wicked that they want to use birth control, they should at least have the decency to use the type that forces them to have periods. Fertility is a gift from God, and pretending otherwise is just plain wrong. The old-fashioned pills were good enough for God, so they should be good enough for God's children.

So remember:
Three weeks of pills + one week of placebo pills = GOOD.
Four weeks of pills = BAD.

But what's this I hear about women skipping the placebo pills for special occasions? Nobody ever told ME that was possible! So I'm against that, too. It's probably not safe, either. I don't care what the doctors say: I've never done it, so it must be morally wrong.

Teen letters

Dear Uriel,

I feel dirty just asking, but after I write this, I'm going to go take a cold shower. What physical contact is OK before marriage?

None. You pervert.

What happens if the wedding is called off? You know when the minister says You may kiss the bride? That's your permission to kiss. Before that, you're just asking for trouble.

Before the wedding, you can sit near each other, but no less than six inches apart, and even then you should stick a Bible in between you. It works both literally and metaphorically.

This is probably hard for you to accept because you've been dating since you were in the third grade, but it's not a good idea to hug other people who aren't in your family, either. Why come close to the line? And these people who say it's OK to hold hands after you get engaged are just trying to mess with your salvation. Get behind me, Satan!

Dear Uriel,

What if I've already blown it?

You disgust me. I'm going to pretend, for both our sakes, that we never met. It's better that way. When you are thrown into the lake of fire, I'll turn the other way out of respect for the time we spent together. For the rest of our time here on earth, I've set my e-mail filter to bounce all of your messages back. Also, I've de-friended you on Facebook.

Dear Uriel,

I'm distraught and I don't know what to believe. God clearly tells us not to murder, but all throughout the Old Testament he orders the slaughter of innocent people. Like the men who slandered Daniel by telling the truth when he prayed to God. Did their kids have to be thrown into the lions' den, too?

I'm deleting the rest of your message because you didn't quote the King James Version. Consider yourself lucky I'm responding at all, you heretic.

Your question is way worse than any murder. I'm giving you advance notice that I am in personal contact with God and I will be telling him what you said. Anything God does is right. If he orders the death of children, you can be sure it was the right decision. Instead of asking why he kills innocent people, you should be asking why he allows sodomites like you to live. That's certainly the top question on my mind.

For the heathens

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