Flame of God

They Should Be Flogged

2008-12-12T20:24:00.000-08:00

You WILL NOT believe it.

There is a blog out there that makes fun of my religion. And they make fun of ME! It is hard to believe, I know.

First, I prayed that they would stop. Unfortunately, that didn't work. God must want me to stop them myself. That's why I now send them insulting messages, sometimes up to a hundred every day, pointing out how stupid they are. Anyone who criticises me has to be an idiot. Everything they say is a lie. (This is called an a priori argument.)

I spend hours every day reading and commenting on this evil blog, refreshing the page over and over, praying that someone else will show up and agree with my holy messages. It will happen eventually, I'm sure of it. And when it does, I'll be there to see it happen. I burn with holiness every time I see that those heathens have put up a new post. I have even given up my shift picketing the public library so I can keep an eye on the Internet.

But since that still hasn't produced the results I would like, I have decided to step up my game. These evil people are interfering with my freedom of speech, so they must be shut down. Yes. It is clearly the only option I have left. Nobody should be allowed to criticise me. It is blatantly unfair that they are allowed to exist, let alone to spew their propaganda! Who ever heard of such a thing?

I'm glad to see that you agree.

The end times

2008-10-23T19:22:00.000-07:00

Greetings, ye who have not yet purged the evil from among you:

As I'm sure you can understand, I have been much too busy to blog. I have been focused on the election. Naturally, we saints understand that the best way to steal the election is to pray for success. We are willing to stay at home on our knees all of Election Day, just to make sure that our preferred candidate wins. Never say that we aren't willing to do the work that really counts. Voting is just a sign that G-d can't do it without our help.

However, it has come to our attention that we are fighting a true prince of darkness. Apparently our opponent has put a witchcraft curse on us. Yes. The warlocks in Kenya get up every morning at 3:00 to put curses on the only G-dly candidate, trying to make us look ridiculous.

This is truly disturbing. Even though those religions are made up, their curses still work. That's just common sense. Goodness knows how many of those curses might be heading our way.

Some might say that the armies of Satan could never prevail, but I am concerned. Those of us in the pro-America regions need to watch out. It is possible that evil spirits could take over if we don't pray hard enough. Omnipotent deities need a certain level of support before they are willing to act. On the other hand, those made-up religions can work no matter how many people are casting the spells.

Don't ask me HOW this works; I just know that it DOES.

Tell me more, tell me more

2008-08-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that it has been a while since I took any testimonies. This has led to a very uncomfortable situation. For me. Not so much for you. But really, this religion is all about ME and the way I feel.

I think it's best when I know what's going on in your life. That way, I can add my prayers to yours. And it's important that my prayers be as specific as possible. You see, you're not as devout as I am, so when you pray about your problems, it's not as good as when I help out. How am I supposed to do that if I don't know your secrets?

So, tell me: What can I pray for you about?

The sharp, double-edged sword

2008-08-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

Greetings, ye who eat food sacrificed to idols:

I admit it.

I was momentarily confused by the fast-talking evilutionists. It seemed like they might have evidence for what I now see is a plainly ridiculous theory.

But then I spent some more time on the Internet, where someone told me that evolution is a religion.

I TOTALLY GET IT NOW. Evolution really IS a religion! Therefore, I can mock it and be sure that it's not real.

Yes, I hear your complaints. You never stop, do you?

I mean that OTHER religions aren't real. Mine is 100% true. That's why it's OK for me to insult other people by saying that they are religious. They're not religious in the exact way that I am, so they're wrong.

Try to keep up, would you?

I'm back!

2008-08-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

Friends, it has been a long time, but these have been busy days.

I have been conducting scientific research to figure out if my religion is the real one. If it is, I can still be assured of eternal happiness, while you perverts and sodomites will be assured of eternal damnation.

I have conducted the following experiments:

I stepped on all of the cracks in the sidewalk. So far, my mother's back remains unbroken.
I looked really, really carefully at a photo of a rock that looked like it was a fossil of a human footprint underneath a dinosaur footprint. It looked real to me!
I prayed that if my religion was real, I would get some sort of sign. The next morning when I woke up, one of the flowers in my garden had bloomed.

This is the sort of evidence that cannot be made up. Obviously, my religion is the correct one.

You atheists don't know what you have coming to you. Fortunately, I do.

It's very hard to be me

2008-06-08T13:39:00.000-07:00

Friends, I apologise for my long absence, but this is a crisis. What if the other guy's religion is actually the correct one? What does that mean for ME?

I am doing my best to ignore these thoughts. I need people like Brother Edward to help me through this. Any support you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Massah and Meribah

2008-05-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

Friends, I have been tested.

The man with the book came back to my house. He said that he thought I hadn't understood his religion.

I explained quite politely that I understood his religion just fine, but I still thought it was a pack of lies. Then I warned him, again quite politely, that he was going to burn in hell for eternity unless he immediately converted to MY religion.

And I think I let my guard down, because he said that MY religion was the fake one. Now I'm not sure what to think.

Normally I would have spat on his garments and ordered him out of my house, but he actually made me wonder if he was right.

This is going to cause problems, I can tell already.

Packin' up, shackin' up's all you wanna do

2008-05-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

Pervert-submitted complaint: I read your holy book. While it was very interesting, it was also very disturbing. I have to say that you are taking a lot of it out of context. You focus on specific parts of it that support your argument, and completely ignore the rest.

Uh, is that not exactly what you and the rest of the atheists do?

You will not BELIEVE what just happened

2008-05-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

Someone just came to my door and tried to convert me to his religion!

I slammed the door in his face, of course. And I'm incredibly offended. My religion's the only one that's true. He should not be allowed to preach his lies to vulnerable people.

And here's the thing: He has NO PROOF AT ALL! Like I am going to convert to his religion just because he says it's true! I actually laughed at one point while he was talking. He had a book with him, and it was full of stories from many years ago. All of the stories were about his religion being true -- SURPRISE! (I mean, really: If you were planning to put a book of stories together to promote your made-up religion, wouldn't you pick ones that supported your ideas?)

I pointed out that maybe his book had just been made up. He said that couldn't be the case, because other parts of the book said that the whole thing was true. I asked him if he could see how ridiculous that was, and he said he'd pray for me, because I was definitely going to be in trouble with his god.

That's when I told him that I wasn't too worried about his imaginary god, because I have a REAL God who is planning to smite him. He said that MY God was the imaginary one! (The nerve!)

I don't care what you say

2008-05-03T16:20:00.000-07:00

In the end I will be enjoying eternal life in the new heavens and new earth. Meanwhile, you will be weeping and gnashing your teeth in the lake of fire, wishing that you had listened to me. I will laugh as you agonise in eternal pain.

So you might as well stop trying to convince me that my religion is not the correct one. It's not as if I actually listen to any of your perverted comments, anyway.

Yet Another Atheist Plot

2008-04-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

Some random pervert has entered my name in the Best NWT Blogs contest. It is so typical of atheists. Really, do we NEED a contest? I don't think so. Other blogs might be more interesting, but this one is much, much holier.

In fact, I am thinking about picketing the contest. If I could figure out how to set up a picket line in cyberspace, I would already be there. I don't need to be in the same list as perverts and sodomites. OH YES, THERE ARE PERVERTS AND SODOMITES.

The land will vomit them out

2008-04-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

How TYPICAL of the atheists to come up with something like this. They disgust me. Not that this is anything NEW, of course.

Listen up, atheists. There is NO EVIDENCE for a flying spaghetti monster. You can tell that I'm telling the truth, because I used the caps lock.

On the other hand, my religion is 100% real, and I am prepared to prove it, right here and right now. Get ready to be bowled over from the shock of finally seeing the light.

1. I exist, and you exist. Therefore, something must have made us. That's God. (Uriel 1, Atheists 0.)

2. If God did not exist, I would be a murderer. I know this. The only thing stopping me from committing atrocities is the knowledge that there is a God. (You can't make up evidence like this. Uriel 2, Atheists 0.)

3. My holy book is true. I can prove this through many, many lines in my holy book that all state that my holy book is true. On the other hand, you've got no holy book at all. What, you DON'T have thousands of years' worth of tradition on your side? (Uriel 3, Atheists 0.)

4. You just hate God. I knew that was your real problem. Don't worry. God hates you, too! (Uriel 4, Atheists 0.)

5. Wait a minute. I don't need to finish the list. You're going to see that I'm right soon enough. Your perverted lifestyle only leads to one thing, after all.

The No-Sin Zone

2008-04-17T19:11:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that perverts and sodomites read this blog. This is partly good, because there's nothing better than imagining the eventual downfall of a pervert or a sodomite, but partly bad. What if they swayed the faithful? It's one thing to watch someone else get tortured with fire for all eternity, but it's quite another to be personally tortured with fire for all eternity. I mean, eternity's a long time. A REALLY long time. I definitely wouldn't want that for myself.

So I am declaring this blog a NO-SIN ZONE. Only members of my church will be allowed to stay. That means you're not invited. You can go play in the road.

Are all of the perverts gone yet?

On to the good stuff!

Why must they ask these questions?

2008-04-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

I am filled with righteous indignation, even more than usual. You see, my co-religionist Ray Comfort is getting a lot of angry comments from people who are just going to hell anyway. I'm not sure why we bother with them, but, at least in this life, they do seem rather loud.

You'll remember Ray, the keen scientific mind who developed an ironclad proof for the existence of God:

Well, Ray has apparently stirred up a lot of controversy by saying that God tortures Holocaust victims. This is not just something he's tossed off without thinking: he challenges readers to think about whether free salvation should be limited to people who died in German concentration camps, or could be available to people who died under communism or in car crashes. For some reason, this has upset the atheists. It's nothing compared to how upset they'll be after they die and discover that they were wrong, but WHAT. EVER.

I'd like to point out that this entire freak show is entirely the atheists' fault. They asked Ray if Jews would go to hell. He tried to duck the question, and then decided to answer. It's not as if those pesky atheists didn't already KNOW what Ray would say. It's as if they're surprised or something. No, this is all their fault.

Listen, atheists: Nobody is forcing you to listen to Ray Comfort. If he's preaching on the street, just take a different road. Don't ask him questions and then get all upset at the answers.

Amen, brother Edward!

2008-04-03T19:17:00.000-07:00

Now Their Failure Is Complete

2008-03-19T08:37:00.001-07:00

I have succeeded in getting this blog listed on NWTBlogs.com. This opens up new evangelizing opportunities for me. I wasn't sure at first if I would be listed, but I did my best to be polite. I started by praying that G-d would add me to the site directly, so I wouldn't have to sully my sent-mail folder with any messages to heathens. Then I beat my breast and spat on a few atheists. When that didn't work, I contacted the site administrators. I figure this can count as my visit with prostitutes:

Greetings, perverts and sodomites,

It has come to my attention that you have a directory of blogs from the NWT. I write from my post guarding the Garden of Eden, but my ISP is in Yellowknife, so I suppose that's close enough. The Garden of Eden is not really a physical place, anyway.

I think that if you add me to this directory, it will be a great evangelizing tool. For me. Not so much for you. I'm definitely praying for you, though. Not that it's likely to do any good, mind you, but I always feel good about myself when I pray for heathens. It just gives me an added boost to know how much better I am than the rest of you.

Uriel

Lo and behold, my direct appeal worked! Now I have access to all of the site's readers! I'm sure they will be impressed by my holiness.

Remember, G-d CHOOSES who will be saved. It's not too late for you, though. I'm reaching out to atheists through this holy blog. Just part of my daily self-flagellation. That's how difficult this is for me. Imagining your ultimate pain and suffering is really hard, but it makes me feel better to know that you'll actually have to live through it.

Finally, a movie for people from my church!

2008-03-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

I am TOTALLY going to see this movie. In fact, I think I'll hold a screening at my church. It's about time there was a major motion picture for people in my religion. We are always shut out of the movies. Nobody cares about us, so most movies are made for atheists. That's why I spend so much time picketing Lucasfilm.

I've known it all along, but I really just needed a celebrity like Ben Stein to spell it out for me. This evilution debate is really about freedom of speech. I should be allowed to preach my religion to children in public schools and call it science. Otherwise, the scientists will be restricting my freedom of speech. I am pretty sure I'll be able to take this one to the Supreme Court.

What a bunch of morons those scientists are! They actually think that people came from mud animated by lightning! Idiots. We all know that people DID come from mud, but there was no lightning involved, only God's will. Their explanation makes no sense at all. Have you ever seen lightning create life? I didn't think so. Now, look around you and see all of the beautiful plants and animals God has created. Checkmate, atheists!

I'm with Ben. If you're an atheist, that's totally fine with me. Go ahead and jump right into the lake of fire. If I tried to stop you, that would make me a Nazi. I've always liked to compare my critics to Nazis, but now that a celebrity is doing it, I know it's really the thing to do. You see, I am an enlightened person. Not like those scientists. In fact, some scientists worked for the Nazis, whereas nobody from my church ever had anything to do with the Third Reich. And if they did, they weren't really part of my church. They were probably atheists who just claimed to be members of my church to make me look bad.

Ben is such a revolutionary. His movie might even make you lose your job! That's how hard-core he is. He's fighting against The Man. Darwinists are unethical, and it's because evilution is the foundation of an immoral worldview. They'll do whatever it takes to push their atheism on small children. I MUST be allowed to teach those children my religion as science, and everything that I think challenges my religion should be banned from public schools. Evilution is a wedge issue. I've also heard that some so-called "scientists" are now claiming that the sun is a star. I KNOW that's not in my holy book, so it's obviously a pack of lies.

You see where this is leading. Friends, we must band together to fight this battle. Of course, I'm taking donations.

I am angry and my face is downcast

2008-02-23T09:21:00.000-08:00

I am furious. So furious that all of the hair is standing up on my arms.

Apparently the heathens in my town are teaching evolution to students in PUBLIC SCHOOLS. Yes. I could just leap on them and rip their faces off with my bare hands. Some sort of godly force appears to be raging through me. That's definitely what it is.

This is a life-and-death struggle for our children's souls. What's next? Are they going to start teaching that the earth goes around the sun? (If there's one scientific thing I can SEE WITH MY OWN EYES, it's that the earth is the centre of the universe.)

Friends, I know that you are as horrified as I am by this latest news. This used to be something that happened in big cities, but now the shame of so-called "science" is even tainting my own community. It should be about education, not indoctrination. And true education is all about converting people to my religion. Children should be taught to question things that have so-called "scientific evidence" for them and consider alternate ideas, like the ones in my holy book.

Clearly, my picket signs have done nothing to slow the steady creep of materialism. I am actively soliciting ideas from you, my loyal readers. Remember that I will delete your comment if you don't quote from the King James Version, though. We can't have any newfangled ideas around here. We've got enough problems already.

Good riddance to another atheist

2008-02-16T12:34:00.000-08:00

I was sad to see that the 90 Day Jane blog has been taken down. As an atheist, Jane had finally figured out that life was not worth living, so she was planning to kill herself in 90 days. I definitely applaud the sentiment. Life WOULDN'T be worth living unless you were a member of my church. Nothing can match the satisfaction I get from imagining your eventual destruction, and if you want to hurry that process along, it's A-O-K with me.

I started to get concerned a few days ago, though. Jane was taking pictures of her town, although why she'd bother is frankly beyond me. Listen up, Jane: If life's not worth living, your atheist photos aren't important either. She said it was a picture of the Hollywood sign, but you could barely see the sign because there was a big glowing cross in the middle of the picture. Yes. I think you know where I'm going with this.

Atheists, I totally believe you when you say that because you're not part of my religion, your lives are meaningless. It's too bad you can't take the extra step and become anointed saints like me. All you have to do is leave the world of fairy tales behind and start believing everything I say.

Goodbye, Jane. It's too bad that you felt you had to take your blog down. I was really looking forward to learning more about your empty life. It would have been a window into the mind of a person who really took atheism seriously. Finally, a logical atheist!

Things are going to change now.

2008-02-05T07:58:00.000-08:00

I've been paying off politicians with the money I diverted from the homeless shelter, and you so-called "marriage-rights advocates" are about to get a huge shock. I figured out who's responsible for passing laws in this country, and I ALSO figured out how to get in their pockets! No, perverts, that doesn't mean what you think it means. It means that I'm not afraid to buy off the people in powerful positions. We special-interest groups are the ones with real power, not heathen activists like Maureen Dowd.

I'm not going to come right out and SAY what's going to happen to you, because I sound like a part of the inner circle when I'm really vague. Suffice to say that you should have fun with your "rights" for now, because you won't have them for long. This is MY country and it's going to be run the way I want it to be. I'm not satisfied with having control over the afterlife any more. This is a democracy, and that means I'm in charge. You perverts can't take that away from me.

What would we do without them?

2008-01-26T17:33:00.001-08:00

Thank goodness we have the saints at GodHatesFags. As I've said before, they are out there ACTUALLY DOING the things the rest of you perverts just talk about.

Actors are basically Satan. That's why Heath Ledger died. I know this -- for sure! And there's very little that anyone can know for sure. God's the only absolute, after all.

Actually, this sort of thing might be as logically consistent as atheists can get. I've always said that if you don't believe in God, you might as well kill yourself.

And a special message to you atheists out there who HAVEN'T killed yourselves (yet): Please stop sending me e-mails claiming that my religion is wrong. I've already refuted all of your arguments on this blog. For example, the sky is blue. It's GORGEOUS. Therefore, God exists. Checkmate!

Here's another one: The Bible exists. Therefore, someone must have written it. Do you know who wrote it? No, you don't! Therefore, God must have personally written it! Checkmate AGAIN, suckers!

It's almost too easy. You know why? It's because with God all things are possible. Therefore, without God, nothing is possible.

Don't try this at home.

Checkmate, atheists!

2008-01-13T14:06:00.000-08:00

Yet more proof that I am right and you perverts are wrong. It feels SO GOOD to know that I share all of my opinions with the creator of the universe. Who could possibly be against me?

Top Five Reasons We Can't Let The Atheists Win 2008, No Matter What

2007-12-31T11:30:00.000-08:00

Greetings, ye who shall go down alive into the grave:

2007 is over. It's been a long year. Today I present the Top Five Reasons We Can't Let The Atheists Win 2008, No Matter What. Sure, it's a bit too long to fit on a T-shirt, but it was dictated directly by God, so I didn't change one jot or tittle. Also, some people (who will be turned into salt) have complained that the heathen standard is a "top 10" list. I say if five is good enough for the creator of the world, who needs ten? Nobody, that's who.

5. Atheists' Lives Have No Meaning.

As we all know, there is a God. If there wasn't, life would have no meaning. Therefore, there is a God. I can't believe atheists are this dumb. Seriously, it's like they don't want life to mean anything. "Look at me! I'm an atheist! When I die, worms eat my body!" I crack myself up.

4. Atheists Are Stupid.

We can't let stupid people win. The facts support the creation account, not fairy tales. Duuuuh. It's like they believe there was nothing, which exploded and made our entire world in 15 billion years. Wait a minute: That's EXACTLY what they believe! What duffers! As if a deity couldn't create the universe with the sheer power of his mind and simply make it LOOK like it took all that time. Dinosaur fossils: Just there to trick the atheists!

3. Atheists Take Everything On Blind Faith.

Science is just WORDS WRITTEN IN A BOOK. Written by humans! And it changes all the time! It's always changing! Now, you tell me which you prefer: Science, which changes all the time and you never know what's really true and nobody really understands, or God's word, which never changes and is ALWAYS right and gives me my certainty that I am personally going to watch you suffer eternal flames? I know which one I'll be choosing.

2. Atheists Can't Get Their Stories Straight.

Evolution is a lie. I know this because it's in my holy book. Atheists are so busy trying to make up so-called "natural laws" that they've forgotten to make sure that they all agree. Which is it, hmmm? Is it Mendelian inheritance or natural selection? It can't be both. Oh, and is punctuated equilibrium correct or not? Hmmm? I don't understand these things, and neither do you. Even the atheists don't agree! Meanwhile, my holy book hasn't changed at all and is easy to understand. Who needs natural laws when you've got God's law? Nobody, that's who.

1. I Am Right, And I Know It.

Put that on a T-shirt! That'll fit.

Uriel 1, Pagans -- well, do we HAVE to give them a number?

2007-12-21T09:04:00.000-08:00

Friends, I am pleased to announce a partial victory in the War On Me.

As you know, some people write books that I disagree with. Other people write books that I used to like, but now hate because I found out that the author isn’t a member of my religion.

So I’m happy to announce that a Toronto school board has banned His Dark Materials from its school libraries. These books are not in line with my values, even though I didn’t realize it the first time I read them. Clearly, they must be pulled from the school shelves. Big Government shouldn’t be forcing children to read these books, even if, technically, they weren’t being forced to read them. Making them available is basically the same thing as forcing innocent children to sin.

My critics are heathens and atheists. Libraries can’t possibly include every book: they have limited budgets. They have to be prudent about which books they buy. Therefore, removing this book that they already had on their shelves will actually save tax dollars. I read that somewhere.

However, this is just a partial victory. Removing the books from the library only protects children while they are in school. What about after school?

I’m calling for volunteers to do a house-by-house search. These books must be destroyed. I cannot believe that they make my religion look authoritarian. We DO NOT throw our weight around and demand that other people follow our religion! They can be as heathen as they want, as long as I don’t find out about it.

Finally, someone who's not afraid to tell it like it is

2007-12-08T00:40:00.000-08:00

Are you sick of so-called celebrities deciding that your religion is all about "peace" and "equality"? Me too.

I can hear you from here: Amen, sister! Those perverts have watered down our religion until it's practically meaningless! I mean, ANYONE could be nice to other people! What's religious about that? Nothing, that's what. Religion is all about knowing who's in and who's out (of hell, that is). If everyone can get in, where does that leave me?

That's why I'm so glad I got a special message directly from the Lord telling me that YouTube is OK for anointed saints like myself (but NOT for perverts like you). I have finally been able to connect with other people who are almost as holy as I am. I'm presenting one of my favourites here as a public service. GodHatesFags111 is out there ACTUALLY DOING the things the heathens just talk about. And they're doing it in harmony and rhyme.

I definitely recommend watching this video several times. I personally was seized with the Spirit and rolled on the floor, unable to control myself. That's evidence even the heathens should be able to accept.

Beware the helmeted heathens

2007-11-05T12:20:00.000-08:00

Greetings, ye who will be turned into pillars of salt:

Leave me alone. Yes, it's been a long time, but I've been busy. You perverts have no idea how hard it is to be me.

We godly ones have been working hard to fight the powers of evil. You will not believe it, but City Council wants to create a helmet bylaw for cyclists. YES. I was horrified too.

OK, so they don't really want to do this, in the strict sense that technically, they voted it down, but SOME people on City Council wanted to do it, and that's good enough for me.

I don't know how many times I am going to have to say this. HELMETS LEAD TO IMMORALITY. They make people think they are safe, and we all know what happens when people think they are safe. I would rather see everyone die in car crashes than see a single person on a bike wearing a helmet.

True fact: People who wear helmets are twice as likely to die of syphilis. That's a fact. I read it somewhere.

True fact: People with syphilis are going straight into the lake of fire. That's also a fact. You can check that one out in your Bible. That's the big thick book you hide your so-called "marriage certificate" in.

Friends, this one was close. I don't think you realise how much danger we were all in. We cannot have Big Government imposing its disgusting values on our children.

Really good science

2007-09-08T16:34:00.000-07:00

This looks familiar

2007-08-31T07:26:00.000-07:00

The best thing about being in personal contact with God is that I always know that whatever I'm thinking is right. Never question me. I have all of the answers, even if your puny mind can't handle it.

It is the sound of singing that I hear

2007-08-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

I'm the very model of a crazy evangelical,
Condemning everything I hate or demonize unbiblical
I'm waiting, breathing, teaching, screaming, still apocalyptical
And reject any suggestion that I'm comical or clinical
I'm very well acquainted, too, with all good things political
No need to ask: you ought to know I'm never quite theatrical
And we all know I'm better than you -- let's give up this silly ruse
With many cheerful facts about your punishments (I must enthuse)

I am definitely going to see this movie

2007-08-01T18:21:00.000-07:00

I wash my hands in innocence

2007-07-22T13:43:00.000-07:00

It has been a tough weekend. I've been watching the skies, but so far no fire or sulphur has fallen. I'm sure it's on its way, though, so I'm advising the faithful to stay indoors.

I stood in line for hours Friday night, surrounded by sorcerers and witches who had cast off all pretensions. I'm pretty sure their pointed hats were woven from two types of cloth, but I was trying not to look directly at them. I, of course, put on righteousness as my clothing, and justice is my robe and my turban.

In any case, I had pre-ordered a thousand copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and I got my copies at midnight. I got a few people from the homeless shelter to help me carry them away (naturally, I won't touch the books or the people). It seemed only right, since I'd taken my church's usual donation to the soup kitchen to pay for the books. They stacked up the books and I set it on fire. The glory of the Lord looked like a consuming fire on top of the mountain of books. In fact, it's still smoking, which is another reason I'm glad we lit the fire at the homeless shelter: not only does that pesky bylaw officer not know that I'm involved, but I refuse to light any fires at my own house on the Sabbath day. Someone else can be put to death for THAT sin.

Screw you guys, I'm going home

2007-07-09T06:50:00.000-07:00

Greetings, ye who shall be punished to the third and fourth generations:

Yes, it has been a long time, but I have been busy, so just leave me alone. You have no idea how much work is involved in setting up a prayer chain when everyone around me is a pervert or a sodomite (SOMETIMES BOTH!!!). And each one needs to be set up individually, because I can never count on everyone to do the right thing. Sometimes I can get a person to rally against the public library, but his support just MELTS when it's time to leave flaming bags of dog poop in the librarians' cars. Don't feel sorry for me: this is just part of life here in the true remnant. There are only 144,000 of us, after all. I can't expect everyone to be as dedicated as I am when they are destined for an entirely different type of stinking fire.

And that's the main problem today. When I reviewed GodTube a few weeks ago, I promised to let you know about Conservapedia, which I thought would be a holy alternative to the godless Wikipedia.

Well! It turns out that conservatives are not so conservative after all. Now they are claiming that not all conservatives are Christians, and they don't want articles to state that miracles are true. I should have known this would happen eventually. The land will vomit them out.

For some reason, Conservapedia can only find 62 examples of bias in Wikipedia. What, did they stop for coffee and forget to finish?

The first seven examples are so-called "smears". HA! I smear people ten times before breakfast. Mentioning Mary Cheney's sexuality is child's play. Wikipedia couldn't do better than this? I doubt it. In fact, I'm sure that Conservapedia is complicit. Otherwise, they would have mentioned that Wikipedia associates Jerry Falwell with evangelicalism, states flat-out that Judas does not betray Jesus, and claims that the Great Commission is about baptism rather than making payments to people who convert others. In fact, my own entry mentions apocryphal, kabbalistic and occult works in the second sentence. This has got to be an error, and yet Conservapedia doesn't mention it. PAGANS!

Example #8 points out that Wikipedia's entry about Zach Johnson fails to mention the fact that the athlete credits God with his wins. Hmmm. I don't watch a lot of sports, but athletes thank God in every interview I've ever seen. So I checked Conservapedia, and -- what do you know? -- there were NO ARTICLES about John McEnroe, Magic Johnson or David Beckham. Who's biased NOW? This was a chance to spread the gospel, and they blew it! They disgust me.

In example #9, I am, as usual, infuriated that the opinions of experts in earth and life sciences would be relevant when discussing evolution. I think that the factual validity of evolution should be determined in the comments section of the Globe and Mail's website. I really could not care less what scientists have to say about the matter. This is beneath my Conservapedia.

Moving through the list, I see that Conservapedia accuses Wikipedia of anti-Americanism, points out that most Wikipedians are from Christian countries, and blames Wikipedia for making assertions that are not backed up by evidence. I ask you: When did the lack of evidence ever stop true believers from spreading their stories? We ought to be congratulating Wikipedia, not pointing fingers at them.

I am particularly interested in example #22. Yes, the one that points out that Wikipedia awarded "good article" status to an article that neglected to mention that the school in the article "converted its metal shop into a sex-based 'health' clinic". WHAT? I need more details before I can pass judgment. For example, in what way are the metals involved in the sex clinic? What kind of education goes on there? Who is providing the education? I need lots and lots of details, preferably with pictures of the underage activity, before I can pass judgment. Conservapedia: you bungled this one yet again.

And #23! Nobody ever told ME you could find pornographic images on Wikipedia! Clearly, the mainstream media has fallen down on the job yet again. What do I search for? In the interest of providing full and complete information to my readers, I need details. I am personally responsible for passing judgment on perverts; I can't do that if I don't have all of the information that could be available to me.

I don't think I need to go on. Conservapedia is a joke. We here in the true remnant don't take them seriously, and neither should you.

Yeah, what that guy said!

2007-06-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

So I went over to that evil of the modern world, YouTube, and I searched for my favourite topic. And lo and behold! Look what popped up!

This is called Satan's Tool: The Truth About Contemporary Christian Music. I'm starting to think that perhaps I was wrong about YouTube. Any website that would include a video that is so quick to judge others can't be all bad.

Listen to this guy. He is telling you how to know if music is holy or not. Some of you heathens probably think that the lyrics can tell you if a song is about G-d. Well, that's where you're wrong.

Help Wanted: Apply Within

2007-06-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

Greetings, ye who touch the carcasses of unclean wild animals:

I did not think it would come to this, but some of the perverts who read this holy blog raised some concerns about my last post. Apparently, I took Judges 13:4 out of context, and there are plenty of verses in the Bible that say it's OK to drink wine. I intend to keep drinking the Kool-Aid, but there are consequences. This means I have to put more effort into my own salvation. Not much more effort, of course, but it does mean I'll try to read more than one verse at a time.

And I'm not the only one. I'm going to need help, because until I started reading Leviticus, I was not aware that there are so many unclean things out there. Normally I would not debase myself by asking for help from sorcerers and pagans (I usually turn to the courts to force the heathens to do what I want) but there is no time to file legal papers. I need volunteers now. I can't do all of the picketing by myself.

First, I'm going to need everyone to take an oath of fealty. Do it now. Right now. Really quickly, before you have time to think about it. AHA! Gotcha! Now you are guilty. You have to help me. Sucks to be you, eh? What's that? You say you didn't know this was a bad thing? Boy oh boy, it's too bad for you that you didn't read the Bible enough. And you know what happens to guilty people? They go into the lake of fire. This isn't actually in Leviticus, because it was the Gentle Lamb of God who came up with the idea of torturing people after they were dead, but I know it's true anyway. I don't need lots of fancy references. This is why you have to read the WHOLE Bible, see? If you just read the Old Testament, you would think that the worst punishment you could get would be execution, unless God remembered to curse your unlucky descendants. If you keep reading, you'll see that the true genius of the New Testament is the concept of eternal punishment. Those guys were way ahead of their time.

One way to get out of the lake of fire is to help me to spread the gospel. I need you to split into four groups.

Group #1:
I was going to ask you to stand outside City Hall to make sure they didn't issue any licenses to businesses that pay workers weekly or biweekly, but I've decided that I can take this over in addition to my gay-marriage duties. Go ahead and thank me. I am just that dedicated. In addition to making sure that the city clerk doesn't issue marriage licenses to gay couples, I will check the business plans of every entrepreneur who shows up. They are not allowed to hold back wages overnight. It's in the Bible.

No, I need you to picket the county fair. It has come to my attention that they sell all sorts of unclean animals for food, like rabbits, pork sausages and shellfish. I am starting to think that pork is better than shellfish, because the pork is just unclean, while the shellfish is actually an abomination. I throw that word around a lot myself, so I know it's serious. While you're at it, I need you to petition the international scientific community to accept that bats are actually birds. When they ask for proof, just pull out your Bible.

Group #2:
This is going to be difficult. I need you to split up and picket dermatologists' offices. You have to force them out of business. We don't need them anymore; we have Leviticus 13 & 14. The sooner they turn this job over to the priests, the better it will be for all of us. And when I say "all of us", I really mean "me".

Group #3:
You're going to be responsible for shunning people who clip the edges off their beards, get tattoos, or cut their sideburns. This is going to be quite a job, because some people get tattoos in parts of their bodies that are covered by clothes. So you're going to have to start uncovering nakedness, but men can't uncover the nakedness of certain people. Obviously, the men are going to have to wrestle people to the ground, then look away while women strip people to look for tattoos.

Group #4:
You need to help me finish the book of Leviticus. Who wrote this thing, anyway? I mean, I know it was G-d, that's a given, but MAN, where are the exciting stories? Wasn't this supposed to be the same author as Revelation? After he incinerates Aaron's sons for bringing the wrong incens e, nothing really interesting happens. Well, unless you count the constant judgment, which is always good for a children's bedtime story, but I can't say that I find it particularly inspiring. I need something to get behind.

Excuses, excuses

2007-06-03T16:36:00.000-07:00

Greetings, ye who will be put to death with your households:

As if anyone needed even one reason to avoid their sacred duty to spread the good news, our so-called "friends" at GodTube have now provided EIGHT reasons. Not only that, but they've illustrated their heretical argument with a little play. Acting is a tool of Satan.

These people are like yeast. I haven't been vigilant enough: I should have asked G-d to strike them with plague long ago, but I waited. Yes, this is my fault, but fortunately I'm forgiven.

The signs are all around us. There is even a movement at my church to use wine instead of Kool-Aid. Yes, you heard me. How degenerate. Judges 13:4 tells us in no uncertain terms to drink no wine or fermented drink. I plan to smite their loins until they rise no more.

My religion is the most tolerant and loving one in existence, and my own God is the only one that's real. I know this because it's in the Bible, which also states that every word in the Bible is true. No other religion can say that about its holy book. Therefore, my religion is the right one.

I have an obligation to spread the good news: that's why this blog exists. If I didn't have this blog, I'd be reduced to pamphleteering, and that's just not a good use of my time when I could be putting my energy into passing judgment on sorcerers and adulterers. This is why I was so pleased when GodTube launched. Finally, a website where people from my church could feel comfortable! We are so busy fighting off the twin menaces of gay marriage and clothing made of blended fibers that we really need a place to kick back. We used to go there to talk about how great it will be to watch the rest of you as you are seared by the intense heat but still refuse to repent.

And now I see that even GodTube has been corrupted. This will be a lesson to me: I must see to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

As if birth control wasn't bad enough already

2007-05-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

The sickos and pornographers are back.

Now they want women to be able to choose to not have periods. I'm against this, of course. I think this is blurring the line between male and female. Women should be allowed to have as many children as they want, and this new pill is nothing short of evil.

Since when do we not want babies? I love babies! I want lots of babies! I want everyone to have babies! It's always the perfect time to have babies!

This is playing God. Women need protection from this drug. How many times have you heard from women who WANT to have babies and can't?

This drug is just sick. A woman who doesn't have periods is just like a man. At a minimum, I think that if women are so wicked that they want to use birth control, they should at least have the decency to use the type that forces them to have periods. Fertility is a gift from God, and pretending otherwise is just plain wrong. The old-fashioned pills were good enough for God, so they should be good enough for God's children.

So remember:
Three weeks of pills + one week of placebo pills = GOOD.
Four weeks of pills = BAD.

But what's this I hear about women skipping the placebo pills for special occasions? Nobody ever told ME that was possible! So I'm against that, too. It's probably not safe, either. I don't care what the doctors say: I've never done it, so it must be morally wrong.

Teen letters

2007-05-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Uriel,

I feel dirty just asking, but after I write this, I'm going to go take a cold shower. What physical contact is OK before marriage?

None. You pervert.

What happens if the wedding is called off? You know when the minister says You may kiss the bride? That's your permission to kiss. Before that, you're just asking for trouble.

Before the wedding, you can sit near each other, but no less than six inches apart, and even then you should stick a Bible in between you. It works both literally and metaphorically.

This is probably hard for you to accept because you've been dating since you were in the third grade, but it's not a good idea to hug other people who aren't in your family, either. Why come close to the line? And these people who say it's OK to hold hands after you get engaged are just trying to mess with your salvation. Get behind me, Satan!

Dear Uriel,

What if I've already blown it?

You disgust me. I'm going to pretend, for both our sakes, that we never met. It's better that way. When you are thrown into the lake of fire, I'll turn the other way out of respect for the time we spent together. For the rest of our time here on earth, I've set my e-mail filter to bounce all of your messages back. Also, I've de-friended you on Facebook.

Dear Uriel,

I'm distraught and I don't know what to believe. God clearly tells us not to murder, but all throughout the Old Testament he orders the slaughter of innocent people. Like the men who slandered Daniel by telling the truth when he prayed to God. Did their kids have to be thrown into the lions' den, too?

I'm deleting the rest of your message because you didn't quote the King James Version. Consider yourself lucky I'm responding at all, you heretic.

Your question is way worse than any murder. I'm giving you advance notice that I am in personal contact with God and I will be telling him what you said. Anything God does is right. If he orders the death of children, you can be sure it was the right decision. Instead of asking why he kills innocent people, you should be asking why he allows sodomites like you to live. That's certainly the top question on my mind.

For the heathens

2007-05-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

Celebrity endorsement

2007-05-17T07:23:00.000-07:00

Speaking for myself

2007-05-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

Greetings, devil worshippers and false prophets:

It's a good thing I have my own blog and can speak for myself. Some liars and deceivers would have you believe that I am sad about a recent event. Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous!

I am not upset about Jerry Falwell's death. He's so liberal, I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. What he did was wicked in the Lord's sight. And trust me, I know what the Lord thinks.

I've been sitting on this information for a long time, but I feel no fear at revealing it now. This ad was in a respected publication that I subscribe to:

I think you can see why I'm so concerned. Concerned and offended. Concerned, offended and horrified.

Yes, I am complicit in hiding this abomination, but I'm forgiven. Jerry, on the other hand, will get as much torture and grief as the glory and luxury he gave himself. How repulsive. You see what I'm saying about him being a liberal.

Jerry is a hypocrite. He actually apologised for saying that feminists were responsible for the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Try as I might, I cannot understand why he would do such a thing. He also apologised for saying that the Antichrist was a male Jew who was already alive. I ask you: where is the sense in that? There's a word for people like Jerry, and that word is flip-flopper.

It didn't have to be this way. I thought we were kindred spirits. It turns out that I was wrong for the first and last time.

Every time Jerry would turn his back on his most devoted followers, I would say to myself, "One day he will be utterly annihilated and there will be a celebration in heaven." I tell you, death is the wrath of a just God against flip-floppers.

I don't know what greater proof you could ever need.

What's in my JPod?

2007-05-13T02:14:00.000-07:00

Each one threw down his staff and it became a snake. But Aaron's staff swallowed up their staffs.

2007-05-09T18:04:00.000-07:00

So I'm sure you can imagine my terror when Ray Comfort announced that he was going to abandon his banana-based proofs and scientifically prove the existence of God without referring to Scripture. Ray is now doing the type of work that would get anyone else a Nobel Prize, but of course the scientific community is biased against scientific research that is based on poetry instead of evidence. Heathens!

I wasn't upset at the location he selected to reveal this scientific discovery (ABC.com) or the format of his announcement (a debate with atheists). I was horrified because of the possibility that he might inadvertently prove the existence of Zeus. Without referring to Scripture, you can never be sure who you're proving.

Fortunately, Ray is crazy like a cat, and after he quoted Isaac Newton (who is at the forefront of 21st-century scientific discoveries) he immediately started talking about the Ten Commandments, Jesus' teachings and other things from Scripture. What a relief.

It turns out that evolution is the reason people don't believe in God. Who would have thought? This is why Ray is getting the big bucks: I can't imagine what it would be like to be so wise. I have this tiny little blog where I judge people, but Ray ambushes people on live TV and judges them. He is just way out of my league.

He has really made me think about how much smarter I am than everyone else, especially the so-called "scientific experts". Ray definitely knows more about biology than biologists do. If we came from apes, why are there still apes around??? And the whole theory falls like a house of cards.

I'm totally in favour of these debates. I hope ABC posts the rest of the conversation to their website. I really believe that the people who say that something doesn't exist should have the primary responsibility for proving their claims. That's so much easier than asking me and Ray to do all of the work.

The importance of the JPod

2007-05-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

Hands up: Who understands that the sole factor in determining a musician's success is the number of satanic references on his CD?

You pathetic idiots. This is obvious to everyone else, including the banana guy. What, you've never played records backwards? I personally have ruined 144 turntables this way, and I'm prepared to ruin more if necessary.

Why can't you see that millions of Slayer fans are just waiting for the secret signal that will turn them into Satan worshippers who seek human sacrifice? This is a real threat. It could happen to anyone.

I think I might be sick. Ozzy Osbourne is a personal hero to millions of teenagers who want to be just like him. I know this is true, because I heard it at church. And it's totally true that Black Sabbath was one of the most popular bands from the late '60s to the turn of the century. G-d only knows how many young people have been corrupted. I mean, they were probably going to hell anyway because they were heathens, but now that I have another reason to be sure that I'm better than the rest of them, I just have to make sure everyone knows about it.

The Church of Satan is disgusting to me. Plus, they don't have anything new to say. My religious principles are much more current, because they haven't changed at all in the last 6000 years. Don't try to argue with me. I know I'm right. If you don't agree with me, you'll probably be attacked by terrorists.

I couldn't even watch this video all the way through. I was so horrified by the images of magazine covers that I had to turn it off. This is what you've done to me. Your world is repulsive and you will get what you deserve.

My church is fabulous, and your life is like a pigsty. I am so much better than you that it's hard for you to even realise it with your puny brain. You think you're just like me, but I know otherwise.

Separate and unequal

2007-05-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

Greetings, perverts and sodomites:

It has been a rough week here in the true remnant. You would not believe what has happened. Heathens and sinners want the true believers to use the same parking tickets they use. I know. I was horrified too.

I wasn't sure how to respond at first. You see, the heathens use parking tickets that refer to "vehicles". Pagans! They disgust me. I only pay parking tickets that refer to "chariots of fire". If you're just going to accept that your vehicle is nothing more than an Oldsmobile, you are definitely not one of the true believers.

Everything in my life must be steeped in the Holy Spirit. If I may use the phrase, everything must be permeated with holiness. I am better than the rest of you. I only put up with your presence because otherwise I'd have to pay all the bills by myself.

I demanded separate parking tickets and claimed that the bylaw officers were trampling on my religious freedoms by issuing tickets that didn't refer to godliness. This worked well until I realised that some of the bylaw officers were -- wait for it -- NOT MEMBERS OF MY CHURCH. I know. I was disgusted too. I need to be in charge of the people who enforce the rules. Otherwise, I might not get free parking near my church, and there might not be enough enforcement near the public library. (I've been picketing for months, and the librarians still refuse to get rid of the books about other religions. Don't worry. I will have the last laugh, and it will go on for an eternity.)

So I submitted a formal complaint to the city, demanding that the bylaw officers immediately convert to my religion and start using the "chariot of fire" tickets for ALL vehicles, even the ones driven by heathens. It's for their own good, and it's not like it's hurting them to get a little extra religion in their lives. G-d knows they could use it.

This backfired. Wouldn't you know it, some big-city lawyer got involved and now nobody gets to use the holy traffic tickets! I spend a lot of time being offended, but this takes the cake made of fine flour and mixed with oil.

This is obviously discrimination. I am not being permitted to practise my religion. Trust me, I'm preparing a Charter challenge on this one.

Bringing Jesus Back to my JPod

2007-05-01T21:56:00.000-07:00

What's in my jPod?

2007-04-29T05:11:00.000-07:00

Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude

2007-04-28T16:18:00.001-07:00

Greetings, those who will suffer the punishment of eternal fire:

I am continually disgusted by your perversions and immorality. They are constant fodder for my prayers, which I offer in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men (the more the merrier, I always say).

If I could shut myself off from your hedonistic ways, I certainly would. As that's not possible, I have contented myself with establishing holy counterparts to your wicked, wicked lifestyle. I spit on you.

My new favourite website is an alternative to YouTube. No, I will not provide a link. This is a holy blog. As we all know, YouTube contains many offensive videos. The government should have taken action against this site long ago -- it promotes immorality and devil worship. They will be punished for their sins seven times over, and I will get to watch. Frankly, I can't wait.

The alternative to YouTube is GodTube. It includes videos that prove the existence of God, like this one, which is labelled on the site as "The Atheist's Nightmare":

Strictly for research purposes, I spent some time with prostitutes and tax collectors to conduct some field testing on this video. I'm pleased to report that it truly is the atheist's nightmare. The arguments presented in this video are so compelling that four out of five atheists immediately renounced their evil lifestyles and gave their hearts to the Lord. I made sure to write their names down, so I can get credit for their conversions at the end of days. (I wouldn't want anyone else to steal my Commission -- that's a little joke that sinners like you probably won't get.) The fifth was destined for eternal fire anyway, so I'm not too worried.

This site is proof that believers are cool. My favourite videos are the Mac/PC parody ads. You might not know this, but true believers don't call themselves "Christians" anymore. We're known as "Christ-followers". Christians are losers. Just check this out:

Or this:

I encourage you to go to this site and learn more about Christ-followers. It's definitely what Jesus would do. In the meantime, I'll be on the street corners with the prostitutes, telling them who is going to heaven and who is not.

The only serious post on this blog

2007-04-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

Reader-Submitted Question: Uh, you know Uriel? Are you making fun of me? Do you really think this is what I believe?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. How delicious.

Here's the thing with Uriel: She's not real. Her distinguishing feature is that she believes that she alone knows what God wants. See how different this is from what you believe? Oh, you don't see a difference? Well, that changes things.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I adore the Uriel character, but it takes time to work up that level of anger, so I don't do much of her. Don't worry: she's not Catholic or Anglican. I don't see her as belonging to any organized religion other than perhaps a fundamentalist group that meets only on the Internet.

The scariest part is that I haven't made up anything she says. Every statement she makes is similar to things I've read or heard others say. Same with her attitude -- she's not even among the worst I've seen. Uriel hates everyone in the world who disagrees with her interpretation of her holy book, and she takes great pleasure in imagining their eventual demise. Her only regret is that she won't be around to witness it, because she (naturally) will be among the saved.

I have to be pretty mad about someone's hypocrisy to do a Uriel post, so there aren't many of them.

Although I think of the character as female, I stole her name from a male archangel. Uriel's not named in the Bible, but is thought to be the angel with the flaming sword outside the Garden of Eden. He also holds the keys to hell. I'm sure you can see why the name is appropriate.

Now you ask if I think this is what you personally believe. Since this blog's readership is limited, I'm going to venture a guess that it's not. But don't kid yourself into thinking that others don't think this way. And yes, I am making fun of them. And yes, they do deserve it.

Lobbying

2007-02-06T19:52:00.000-08:00

Greetings, godless sodomites:

Yes, it's been a while, and we have been hard at work here in the true remnant. In the middle of your life's journey, you may find yourself lost in a dark wood. That must really be awful for you. I, of course, am high on the Spirit.

I've been alerted to a terrifying poem called the Divine Comedy. Yes, DIVINE. What arrogance. Only God can decide what's divine. (He tells me what he thinks, so you can trust my interpretation.) Anyway, beyond this repugnant title, I am particularly disturbed by the fact that in this poem, not all of the godless sinners are in hell, where they belong. No, some of them are just OUTSIDE hell, in a vestibule of some type. I think you can see that it is time for some serious lobby work. (LMK-i-A's note: HAHAHAHAHA.)

This is particularly relevant now, as our governments consider providing the cervical-cancer vaccine to schoolchildren. As I think we all know, this vaccine changes children from virtuous angels into whores. I have already discussed the reasons why rubber gloves and safety equipment are leading us to hell. But now I think that compared with the destruction that vaccines have brought upon us, rubber gloves might just send people to Limbo instead. I am so horrified that I can barely type, but I will push through my anguish for the good of the saved. If one of the faithful were to be swayed, I don't know if I could stand the agony. Of course, I am secure in the knowledge that this agony would be much less than what you all are going to have to deal with in hell, so I'm sure I'll manage. But didn't you feel sorry for me? I sure did.

These radical doctors have held our society hostage for far too long. Did you know that they now vaccinate INFANTS? Yes! They do this against the child's will. Parents are subjected to scare tactics like threats that their kids won't be allowed into school. Meanwhile, so-called "public-health nurses" are injecting children with substances that will protect them against diseases like:

HPV, which causes cancer of the cervix and penis. PERVERTS! Anyone who has HPV probably deserves to get cancer. I definitely won't be vaccinating my kids against it. There's such a thing as God's punishment, you know.
Influenza, which causes respiratory complications and death. PERVERTS! Cover your mouth when you cough. Wash your hands a lot. See how easy that was? If you get the vaccine, you will think you are safe, and you will probably go around licking doorknobs.
Tetanus, which kills more than half of the people who get it. PERVERTS! What are you doing with cuts on your body, anyway? Cover your wounds. Then you won't have to worry about tetanus. God just told me that this is his punishment for people who step on rusty nails. It's GOD'S WILL, folks.
Meningitis, which causes kidney damage, paralysis, scars and death. PERVERTS! What, are you drinking other people's spit or something? Here in the true remnant, we never share water bottles. That's because we don't want to have to get this vaccine -- we are sure that if we got the shot, we would turn into whacked-out freaks with spit fetishes. We would probably think that we were safe, and we all know what happens when people think they're safe.

You disgust me. Not that this is anything new.

Everything’s been sold to others’ revolutions

2006-12-21T10:09:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am the person you’ve seen picketing at the car factories in Detroit. And at the rubber-glove factories in Malaysia. And at the security-harness factories in Taiwan. I have been getting quite a lot of press about my signs that call for the president to cut federal funding to these industries and the sinful, sinful groups that buy their products. I figure that it worked for the AIDS funding we used to send to Africa to promote condom use, so it’s worth a try.

I am vehemently opposed to car bumpers. So is everyone else who goes to my church. Bumpers encourage bad driving. For proof, you need look no further than my car: When a stranger rear-ended me, which part of the car do you think he smashed into? The bumper, of course! He damaged his own front bumper and my back bumper. Clearly, he saw that we both had bumpers, and he decided that he could drive recklessly on our icy roads. And what did he learn from the experience? Nothing, of course! His car wasn’t destroyed, as any God-fearing car without a bumper would have been. He is probably out there having indiscriminate car accidents, leaving a trail of heartbreak. What a terrible story. It could have been avoided if neither of us had bumpers. Then we could have removed his DNA from our gene poo – I mean, we could have mourned this beautiful, created being, fully secure in the knowledge that we are much better than he is.

Rubber gloves are a sure ticket to hell. They encourage people to touch other people who are possibly infected with God only knows what. In MY day, we threw stones at lepers. We certainly didn’t touch them, and nobody gave us rubber gloves to “protect” us. I’m telling you, if people are sick, it is because they are supposed to be that way. It is all part of a plan that is so huge that your puny mind can’t comprehend it. Don’t touch these people. For goodness’ sake, don’t put on rubber gloves and think that you will be safe. I won’t allow rubber gloves anywhere near me, and I don’t recommend that you wear them, either.

The company that owns my building is doing repairs to the outside. This requires the use of scaffolding. I’m completely in favour of scaffolding, especially when used in the execution of atheists whose degenerate lifestyles have encouraged them to lead lives of crime. But in this case, the scaffolding is being used to allow the workers to reach the second floor windows. That’s OK; I’m willing to accept that. What I can’t accept is the fact that they wear safety harnesses. SAFETY HARNESSES. That’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one. These harnesses are tools of the devil. They make people think they are safe. I bet that the people who wear them are actually LESS safe. They are probably more willing to take risks than the God-fearing workers who can be certain that they are risking their lives by stepping too close to the edge: “No need to worry about me! I’ve got my safety harness on! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” That sickening crash you hear is the tear forming in the Lord’s eye. People with crushed skulls aren’t allowed to enter heaven. The Lord saves those whose spirits are crushed, but I don’t recall anything about crushed skulls. Sucks to be you. Obviously, the way to avoid eternal damnation is to stay away from safety harnesses altogether.

I hope I’ve made you think about the horrors of your own deviant life. While you’re at it, pull out your checkbook and donate money to the president’s abstinence-only AIDS programs.

Pagan festivals

2006-12-16T12:42:00.000-08:00

Greetings, stiff-necked sinners:

A few of you have asked about Michael's so-called Christmas concert and its obviously non-Christian purpose. You are correct: Tuesday's concert is not a religious occasion. And I could not be happier about it. You see, as soon as you bring religion into a school event like this one, you have to acknowledge OTHER religions, and I just can't have that.

Religion is the one thing that you can't mock, no matter how weird it is. You could say something that's obviously wrong, like that God forgives sinners like you, and I would have to nod piously and say "I respect that." Well, I won't be respecting anyone else's religion, thank you very much. Everything in my religion is true. I know this because my religion SAYS that everything in it is true. This is also how I can be certain that your religion is wrong. It's simple logic. We can't both be right. Therefore, you must be wrong.

You see, everyone here knows that you are constantly committing wicked acts to vex the Lord. I would expel you from this holy land myself, were it not for our liberal laws that allow you to stay. And I can't let you sully this Christmas season with your made-up religious stories. For this reason, I am selflessly willing to forgo my own 100% true religious stories. I can't allow you equal time. You might sway one of the faithful, and then only 143,999 of us would get to go to heaven. An empty seat in heaven is a tear in the Lord's eye.

So I'm just thrilled to attend non-religious school concerts and to greet you with "Happy Holidays". That way, I'm able to pretend that it's all about the one true religion, instead of the vomit-inducing tripe that passes for your own view of the world.

Getting closer

2006-12-10T00:45:00.000-08:00

Friends, we are getting closer to the rapture and some of you are getting nervous. You have to trust me on this. If our own Prime Minister is saying the same-sex-marriage debate is over, the sky is sure to open soon. If there's anything that can't be allowed to sully this beautiful earth, it's gay marriage. Six thousand years of perfection have made us arrogant. We think we're smarter than God. And I could not be happier about it, because it means that you heathens are going to burn and I am going to get to live on a cloud with Jesus. I will probably get my own unicorn. You, on the other hand, will be picking dead animals out of the sea after it turns to blood. That won't be a problem for me: I'll be drinking living water. Sucks to be you.

This brings me to the concerns my readers have expressed. I've already reassured you that I've made arrangements for someone to take over the blog after I've been taken up into heaven. Apparently, this is not good enough for some of you godless sodomites. When you're not busy worshipping demons, you're hassling me about the identity of the person who will be taking over the blog. Apparently, you don't like ghostwriters.

Now, I don't think you're taking your situation seriously enough. Believe me, when the locusts are stinging you, this will be the least of your worries. You are going to be tormented with burning sulfur, and I will get to watch. I know how this makes you feel: I myself could burst with excitement just at the thought of it. I wish the president would just drop an atomic bomb and hurry things along, but apparently this is not to be. It makes sense, because no man knows the hour of the rapture, and I suppose that would include the president. In the meantime, we are forced to wait hour after hour after hour until 10:30 AM, when Wheel of Fortune comes on. Then we start waiting again at 11:00.

I am trying SO HARD to make things easier for you, and this is the thanks I get? You are definitely the WORST sinners I have ever met. I would have thought that you would be grateful for the help I've offered to you. Just wait until someone writes MOTHER OF PROSTITUTES AND OF THE ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH on your forehead. You'll be happy to have anything else to read, ingrates.

No, I am not going to reveal his identity. He deserves his privacy. If I tell you who it is, he will probably not be able to leave his house without having to fight off paparazzi trying to get pictures of his personal regions. You should be focusing on the log in your own eye before you try to pick at the speck in my eye. And trust me, it's a VERY SMALL SPECK.

A winner

2006-11-15T13:00:00.000-08:00

I must admit that I have been overwhelmed by the sheer number of applications to take over the blog during the last days. (YOUR last days, not mine.) Clearly, I am something of an icon and many people look up to me. Heck, hundreds of people want to BE me. There were so many worthy applicants that it was hard to choose.

First, I must thank the dozen or so people who indicated that I would probably not have any trouble running the blog myself after the rapture. Your faith in me is admirable, but at this point we really do have to make plans, not congratulate each other about our greatness.

For privacy reasons, I will not be naming the winner of our contest. He does not need to be overrun with godless sodomites looking for my autograph. I am practically in exile already. Wandering in the wilderness, you might say.

We do have a clear winner. All of his meals include ingredients that were produced more than 100 miles from his home, so he's obviously an enemy of the environment. He leaves Arby’s wrappers in the back of his SUV. He listens to the Dixie Chicks, and after work he likes to unwind by setting American flags on fire with other burning American flags. He’s friends with Maureen Dowd AND Ann Coulter. He’s in favour of stem-cell research, but only to save the lives of other stem cells. He hates universal health care, the Barenaked Ladies and Tim Horton’s coffee. He has no idea who Ben Mulroney or Sacha Trudeau are. And he can’t seem to make up his mind about gay marriage.

I think we can all be quite sure that this fellow is doomed to the lake of fire. He’ll probably be thrown in twice. So you can rest easy, knowing that your daily blogging fix will still be available after I’m taken into the clouds. Of course, you might have to struggle through some liberal tripe for a while, at least until the earthquakes start and he’s blogging in the dark. But let’s face it, that’s probably all that’ll be available anywhere.

I brake for distilled spirits

2006-11-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

I am still collecting applications to take over the blog in the last days. The signs are everywhere. I'm telling you, the sky is already dark here. How much more do you need?

I saw a fascinating bumper sticker the other day as I was driving to work. There's no better use for a $20,000 car than as a sticker book, I say.

Anyway, this particular sticker caught my eye.

In case of rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned.

I must congratulate the writer for reaching a new level of snarkiness. I'd bow at his feet, except that I don't turn to idols. I'm leaving that for the person who wins my contest. This sticker is a simple yet direct way of making the following points:

1. I'm definitely going to heaven.
2. You are not. Otherwise, there would be no need for this warning.
3. I think there's a reasonable chance that the rapture will happen while I'm driving.
4. It's really funny to think about my car, suddenly driverless, plowing headlong into traffic. See how glib I am about it? That's because I think it's fun to joke about the deaths of innocents. Except that these people aren't innocent, so who really cares?
5. Too bad I can't put a warning on the front of my car too, so the pagans can see me coming in case of rapture. Oh wait, they are probably too busy living in debauchery to bother watching for my unmanned vehicle. Never mind.

Election

2006-11-08T10:34:00.000-08:00

Greetings, godless sodomites:

Well, we all know how the election went. There can only be one conclusion. Clearly, the kingdom of God is at hand.

Yes, indeed. The rapture is close. 144,000 of us are going to heaven. The other 6 billion of you, along with billions of others who’ve already died, are going to burn. Get ready for fire, smoke and sulfur. The birds will gorge themselves on your flesh, and you will be tormented day and night forever.

But now is not the time for rejoicing. No, now is the time for planning. Obviously, someone is going to have to take over the blog after the rapture, because I won’t be around. Fortunately, we know that there will be a period of time after I’m taken up into heaven but before you burn in everlasting fire. That’s the time we must plan for, my friends.

I am now taking applications from people who are likely to burn. And let’s face it, just running the numbers, odds are that you’re one of them. I want to hear why you think you would be a good candidate to take over the blog after I’m taken up on a cloud for eternal rejoicing. And I don’t want to hear any wussy stuff about how you wear clothing woven with two types of cloth. I need to know you are really serious about staying on the earth during the end times AND keeping a record of your miseries. You’ll be dodging locusts, worshiping demons and gnawing your tongue in agony. What a fun time for you!

I’ll get you set up with water, canned goods and a lamp. You’ll need these things, because the water is going to turn to blood, the plants will be burned up, and the sky is going to go dark. There’s nothing in the Bible about losing your Internet connection, though, so that should be OK.

Taking applications starting…NOW.